It's early, but I wanted to type this all while I still remembered it.

I know a month and a half is really not that long of a time period. It's really nothing. But when you go for a time like that without writing, it's really hard to get back into it all. At least for me. I don't want to neglect this site, because I feel it's really good for me. But neither do I want to just post for posting's sake. I mean, like I've talked about before, writing in general is complete arrogance. Webjournals are just that and so much more. I don't want this site to make me sound unstable, but I don't want to do stupid posts about my lame days and nights and whatevers. Because I am entirely lame. And I despise lame. And I don't want this site to be lame. So I am saying that I am going to try to post more often, without being lame.

And now that I am done with that, here is something else for you: I have this sickness. And it is far too often mistaken for talent. I really have no talent. And people don't seem to understand this. But even if I were to explain what it is I do that people mistake for talent, I don't think anyone would understand. I don't even understand it. I often wish it didn't happen though. I don't like being out in front. I would rather be in back. It is better there. I don't like to hurt people. It's all so unintentional. I really hate the human condition. We are all so needy and we too often look to others for affirmation. I mean, this is really all just me looking to you for some sort of affirmation. I want to hear everyone say, "No way Jon, don't be dumb. You are so talented." It's all about me, you see? And I don't know why I do it. And I hate it.

I really hate how superficial high school is. There is no substance to it. I also really hate how I can't just let myself succeed. I am so stupid. I make the worst decisions. I just want to be out. But I don't even know where I'm supposed to go after that. So what's the point? From what I've seen of the world, and the people in it, and the way they treat each other, I don't think I want to be a part of it. I'd almost just rather stay in high school forever. Maybe that's why I want to be a teacher. I guess I just feel safe being in school. It's superficial, yes, but when there is no depth, then there is no chance of drowning. I've been in the deep end before, and I've left my heart there too many times. And don't be so stupid as to think I am talking about a girl. Yes, it has happened before, but all of that seems so childish to me now. There is hurt so much deeper than any of that. I think about who I used to be, and sometimes I really hate that person. Then I realize how little I've changed. That is a tough realization. If you don't change, then what are you doing? A body without a pulse is just a corpse. That's a disheartening thought.

I don't see why anything ever turns out the way it does. Nothing makes sense to me. There's just so much in my head. I hate typing and I hate reading. I hate it that when I close my eyes I can't even be alone. Or maybe I am too alone. Or maybe I'm just trying way to hard. Those around me are so unaffected. It's very much pointless. I really fear the world outside of my bedroom. It's everyone's beating hearts, and the ones that aren't even besides. I've heard my friends' hearts stop beating. It's so hard to handle. So many times through my life. And these past years especially. Goodness, I can just hear it. It's so overpowering sometimes. It makes it all so hard to breathe. So hard to swallow. And the blood is just spilt. And I'm not even making sense. I don't know how to put it into words. That's just what's in my head. I can just see it all there. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can't even go on.

I will read this tomorrow and see if it even makes sense.

- posted by Jonathan@ 1:37 AM