It makes me pretty angry to think about it. And it's starting to make me sick to my stomach. You stick with someone through the bad times because you love them, and then you see them doing such God-awfully stupid things with themselves. It's pretty weak. In fact, it's enormously weak. You'd think they would have enough respect for the people who've always been there to listen to some well intentioned (and well needed) advice. Or you'd think that any intelligent person would just have enough respect for themselves. And you know, I'd really love to just wash my hands of the whole thing. But you can't just do that with someone you care for. So all you can do is watch them be an idiot and try not to offend them by speaking the truth.

Incredibly weak.

Why doesn't anyone just trust me? Do they think I am so high and mighty that I don't understand them or something? Have I made myself so unapproachable? What is it exactly that I ever did to put myself in this situation? All I've ever done was care about my friends. Maybe I don't know how to show it well enough. Or maybe they're just sick of hearing what I have to say. I really don't know. I try to just be accepting of everyone. I just want people to see that. That I am not a bad guy. That I am only trying my best to be like Jesus Christ. But of course, as history has shown, no one believes that. They think instead that I am some hypocritical, know-it-all, jerk--who only cares about himself and some legalistic religion. And I'm sure I will get some anonymous comment about how I was a jerk to someone at lunch time three years ago because I was having a bad day, and that reasonably proves that I am a dick, a liar, and most of all: a religious hypocrite.

So hopefully you see my dilemma:

I can sit quietly to the side of everyone else, laugh when I am supposed to, tell a funny joke when I am supposed to, play a guitar when I am supposed to, give a sermon when someone cusses or whatever, and just do what is expected of me. And really, that's all that's needed of me anyways. I fill empty spots nicely and make people feel better about themselves.

Or I can be honest with people; about my feelings, who I am, what I see. . . and of course, piss everybody off. Because no one wants to hear anything from me. I guess I get pretty old pretty quickly. I'm surprised people still even talk to me. Really, if everyone was smart, they would have just left with Hetzel. Because that guy's got it right. I am probably the worst person who has ever lived. And more importantly, I only want people to come and fill seats in my church Sunday mornings. And that is all I care about. I just want to shove man's religious doctrine down the throats of those around me, and remind myself how much better I am than everyone else.

You know what? I'll just say it: I just want people to like me. But I guess I just can't do anything right. I don't know what people want from me. I thought it was just a friend, but as history has shown, that's not true either.

I don't know. . . I am happy to be alive. I am happy to be who I am. I'm happy to have my family. I don't know what I am going to do next year. I'm starting to understand how important family really is. If they leave next year, I will truly be alone. Because my family are the only people who have always loved me no matter what. Even when I've messed up. Rachel is already gone, Jenni's moving out so soon (at least she'll still be in Janesville). If my parents get moved, I will be alone in a city where no one understands me. And don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the few friends I have that care for me on some level. It's just hard to believe sometimes that I'm really an important part of anything. Like, if I didn't play music well, what would I have to offer anyone? Like, if I had never come back, what would people think of me? What would they really miss? And I know that's dumb, so I'll just stop.

I guess this sums it up: I pray for my friends (even ones who don't like me anymore). I just wonder who is praying for me.


- posted by Jonathan@ 3:03 PM