Blank stare. I think that expresses my feelings right now quite well. I was upset but now I am calm. How can you read through a sermon you wrote that your supposed to be preaching tommorrow and be full of anger at the same time? An angry heart is one that is not in touch with God. And out of touch with God is not where you should be when taking God's word to others. It just doesn't work that way. I seem to be in a constant struggle with myself. It's like my nature vs. my faith. Naturally I tend to get depressed and sad a lot. But, this contradicts my faith since God's Spirit in me should be evident by the fruits of the spirit.

Galatians 5:22 - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

That means that if I am doing my part in my relationship with God then I should be expiriencing His joy and peace. I know this. I understand this. I have felt His joy and I have felt His peace. But it always seems to fade. I forget. I get lonely. I retreat into myself and I leave God outside looking in. Why must I always try everything in my own strength? Haven't I learned that there is no strength left in me? I'm sick of this battle. I'm sick of fighting with myself. I, I, I. See? It's always about me. It's supposed to be about others. I'm supposed to die unto myself and be a servant to my brothers and sisters. I have to leave. It is Shalina's birthday party tonight. I just realized that I'm a half hour late and I haven't showered yet. Pray for me.

- posted by Jonathan@ 5:34 PM