I haven't been sleeping much lately. It's not that I can't sleep though. Well, sometimes it's that I can't sleep, but mostly just because I don't want to. I love the night so much. I don't want to waste this beautiful time in bed. For anyone who knows me, you probably know that I feel most comfortable when I am by myself. Unfourtunately, in my life there aren't many places that I can go to be by myself, especially in the winter time when I can't just get up and leave on a walk somewhere. There are always people in my house. At night though, it doesn't matter. Everyone is in bed, and it's just me and my thoughts. I like to spend time thinking. I have a lot to think about.

God is just so awesome in my life. I can be a really big failure, but he is always faithful. He seems to have given me a mind that is really a blessing to me. Do not read this and think that I am conceited. I'm really not. I just seem to understand things that other people don't. I want to grab them and yell, "Look at this how I'm looking at it!" But they never do. Maybe they just can't. Maybe I'm crazy and what I think doesn't make any sense. Maybe everyone has already realized that I am crazy and that's why they don't listen to me.

Okay, so for something that I've really been thinking hard about. I've been trying to exaimine myself lately and figure out why I am the way I am. If you don't already know, I really have a problem with people. It's not that I'm mean or rude or anything (at least not usually) I just don't want to have to deal with anyone. I always say that I hate people, of course this is not true, I just can't handel them. Like I've already stated, I really enjoy being alone. Not that I don't ever like to be part of a group, I really do, it's just I can't take it for to long. I'd rather be in a small group or just with one or two friends. It's just less to deal with that way. I'm just not good with relationships. I have a hard time opening up. There are few people that I actually share what I'm thinking and feeling with. You say, "Oh geez! What do you think you're doing right now?" Well you see, to me, you're nothing more than a computer screen. And to you, I'm nothing more than a bunch of words (also on a computer screen). When I see you (if I see you) what you've read here will mean nothing. If you ask me about it I will crack a joke and brush it off. That's just the way I am. I don't deal with things publicly. Many times I don't deal with things at all. This is one way I've decided to start dealing with things.

Dexterity Lacking
My fingertips are calloused from pressing on steel. They're stained silver black from the length of their exposure. So many times have these hands walked these routes. Familiar paths of familiar songs. Long have these hands been creased by wear. Long have they had to bear the weight of my own head, held softly in shame and sadness. The ink on their backs runs black. One line poems (quickly penned there) fade, like so many memories before them. Distorted by the elements, forgotten, along with the feelings that birthed them.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:01 AM