Heavy stuff. I feel tired. There's just too much to handle, to much to think about. Sometimes, when things are the worst, all you have to do is let God take over. You just have to stop relying on yourself and your own understanding. You just have to have faith, and believe. And sometimes you're stupid like me and you keep God out.

I feel so distant. I feel very empty and alone right now. I always do this to myself. It's so silly. I just don't feel like myself. I have this song that plays in my head. But it's written with the very blood that surges through my veins. The very beating of my feeble heart. It's instrumentation is composed of frowning face and of furrowed brow. It's this pulsing in my ears, and the ache in my heart. And those moments when I would like nothing better than to rip my heart from my chest so I could see and feel my own blood, and have that satisfaction. I could taste it again, and once more have that release. I long for a release. I close my eyes, and I can envision it. Then at least the gaping hole I feel would have a cause. Cause and effect. And I could rip out my own throat too. It's never done me any good. It's never given me a voice loud enough to be heard in my own head. Close your eyes. Just close your eyes. Nothing seems as bad in the daylight.

- posted by Jonathan@ 2:11 AM