I just got back from a walk. I went down to Waveland park and laid there in the grass for a while. The moon is so huge tonight. You can see the craters. I just wish I could have touched it. But it's too far away. So instead I dwelt on all the bad things in my life and cried. Things aren't even so bad. I'm just such a quitter. I even pray, but I don't ask God to make me happy. I don't ask God to take away my pain or my sadness. I need it. I need it or I fear that I wouldn't feel anything at all. And I don't want to be hollow. And I know God could fill me if I would just get rid of all the things that are taking up the space in my heart. But I can't do it. I can't let go of anything. Instead I dwell on it and I try to solve everything in my own strength. But it doesn't work. It's all so stupid. I just can't deal with any of my problems. I'm so passive aggressive. I'm just passive. I'm passively living my life. Everything I do is motivated by a desire to escape. And then once I get where I feel I need to be, the game starts over and I need to run again. I run from all of my problems. From people and school and love and decisions--anything that I don't have total control over. I've reduced my life to an instrument that I'm not even good at. I just sit in my room and I strum the same chords over and over and I sing to same melodies and I write the same stupid words in the same stupid notebooks about the same stupid people, and then I feel as if I've accomplished something. As if my writing this song, or this scratch of lyrics, somehow justifies everything I've passed up because I was too scared to grab it when I had the chance. Because I'm an artist? I'm so fake. I'm nothing. I just want to get away from this city. I need to get away from routine and daily life. This all sounds so despairing. It's not even that bad. I have it so lucky. It burns. Like it used to. Oh so familiar. I'm sorry Jesus.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:11 PM