I feel like my heart is under siege. The attacks have just been so constant and relentless. Even after the sun goes down, my enemy continues his barrage. And the walls and seams are cracking under the assault. And I can feel the blood leaking out the gaps, much like the way water seeps into an injured submarine. And I fear the hole that I know is coming. It's only a matter of time. And with that hole will come a great release of pressure, as my heart just explodes in my chest. I hope I'm at school when it happens. I want to see everyone's faces. I want them to watch as I'm carried out on a stretcher. And they'll all know that there's no hope for me. Without a heartbeat--you're dead. A body without a pulse is just a corpse. And I want those kids who see it to wonder what could ever make a person's heart explode. And maybe they'll think about the condition of their own hearts. And they'll begin to notice the signs of wear. And they'll remember all the times that they assaulted someone else's heart. And they'll seek each other out and apologize. And they'll begin to love one another. And maybe that love will spread. Maybe people will hear on the news about the boy whose heart exploded. And maybe you'll hear about it too. Maybe you'll even come to my funeral. Just tell them that I want, "He was just a boy. What could ever make his heart explode?" written on my tombstone.

Maybe then you'll realize that you were being deceived all along. Maybe you really thought that you could hold all that anger and hatred in your heart without any side affects. And maybe you thought that you'd be okay swallowing all those numbing lies. I hope they made you feel better. That was the whole purpose, right? When did you start hating yourself? And when did you stop caring about those around you, enough to choke them by stuffing the same lies down their throats. I pray that you will let God wash the mud from your eyes. I'm sorry I'm giving up like this, but I just can't do this anymore. I guess I'm just as bad as you. Just remember on the day you hear about my death, that you can avoid this. Just look behind you and you'll find the God that you thought you were seeking all along.

- posted by Jonathan@ 5:19 PM