I'm trying to put this into words. I think what I am trying to say, is that I used to think I knew what pain was. I thought I already knew what it was to be hurt. I thought that I knew what it was like to feel helpless and alone. But now that I am here, I feel like all that was nothing. Like, it never goes away anymore. It's not a temporary thing. And I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. And I feel lied to. If you suddenly find out that you don't even know a person, when for so long you thought that you knew them really well, does anything that you shared even amount to anything? Because right now, all of it seems wasted and worthless, like I was just talking to myself for three years. Emerson said, "A friend is someone with whom I may be sincere--with him I may think aloud." That's what a friend is to me. And I thought that was the kind of friend I was. But I'm starting to think otherwise. I feel like you must not have ever cared anyway. If you can just give up so easily, then what did any of it matter to you in the first place? What do I even matter?

I have a brother who is 24 years old, who might as well not even be my brother. That's how little I know him. I guess I would feel sad if he died, but you can't feel too sad about someone you don't even know. Like, I guess I can't even really judge how affected I would be, all I can say is that I don't even know the guy. I know his name, I know his face, I know some little things about him. I only know of his life small details that I've heard second hand. That's it. He's hardly a brother to me. Like, I'm sure he loves me or whatever, and I guess I love him, but it's kind of forced feeling. It's not the kind of love that is grown and nurtured and all that. And I guess the point of all that is, I'm starting to feel that way. Like I'm the brother that you never really knew, and that you love me in a very forced sort of way. And I guess this is a bad analogy though, because I love you so much more than that. I'd give you anything. I'd die for you. You don't even know. But you held your tongue, and you shut me out. So maybe I'm already dead to you? And it's far to superficial anyways. What happened to all of our depth? It's okay for people to change, but I suddenly find out that you changed a long time ago but never let anyone in on the secret. And now that it's out, I don't love you any less, but I feel hurt that I wasn't important enough to you to be a part of any of it.

I'm sorry I had to say this. I'm even more sorry that this isn't even about you. I guess it's really about me. So I'm sorry that you're never going to see this through my eyes. I'm sorry that you're never going to read this. I'm really sorry for whatever it is that I did to make me not good enough. I wish I could tell you even a part of what I am feeling. But I don't want to get angry, and I know if I talked to you I would get angry. And I can't even type this without crying. So I guess I will just leave it all here to die.

I think I am going to vomit.

- posted by Jonathan@ 4:05 PM