This is not an original thought. I'm just trying to work things out. I haven't even really figured out how to articulate it. I just feel so much but understand so little. I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life. And I know I'm not the only one, but that doesn't help at all. I wonder what I've been working towards all these years. I don't want to get stuck in a job that I hate, just so I can make enough money to buy crap that I don't need. I can't afford to go to school for something I'd like to study, so I know I'm just going to end up doing something else, just because I can't think of anything better. Or because it's convenient. And I want so much that isn't material. I want to get married, and have children, and live a satisfying life. I just don't see how to accomplish that. And doesn't God want me to have a satisfying life? Maybe not in the way I envision it, but satisfying nonetheless? But how can I ever be satisfied in this life? And that thought alone makes me feel so horrible. Paul sang songs while he was bound by chains, and I feel bound by chains, all the while spending money and enjoying so much freedom. It seems really silly. And selfish. But I just don't know what to do. I really just wish I could have a glimpse of what it is that my life is meant for. And not some abstract "oh, you were meant to love God and live in His plan for you" but an actual answer.

Transcontinental

Engine severs lower legs and I feel my bruised heart beating
Spinal cord remains intact--still sending & receiving
Lying back on shoulder blades, the cargo rushing past
Missing limbs beneath the cars, twitching on the tracks

Click-clack
Now handicapped
North Am Transcontinental

I remember as I bleed certain tales of bravery
A man whose legs were crushed beneath a fallen evergreen tree
He decided he would chop them off above the knees
Sacrifice his shins & feet to make his torso free

The luxury of having been spared the hard part
You'd think would be enough for me to pull this off
But I'm left to bleed to death
Now all the man I've ever been
North Am Transcontinental

- David Bazaan

That's how I feel at times. Like I've lost my legs, and even with all that I have to inspire me, I just lie down to die anyways. It's sad I know.

I'm trying Lord. I really am.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:43 PM