So, is it just me? Or do other people think about getting old too? I mean, in a few years I'm going to be out of high school. I'm going to have to get a job and pay for schooling, and food, and clothing. And then a few years after that I'm going to be out of college. And I'm going to have to find another job, and somewhere to live, and new friends. And then someday I'm going to be an old man, with wrinkly skin. And I'm going to have a hard time seeing, and hearing, and walking up stairs. And what if my hearing starts to fail while I'm still relatively young? So that by the time I'm old, I'll be completely deaf. What will I do for fun when I can't play guitar anymore because of my arthritis? Where will I go when I start needing help to get around. Who will I hang out with once everyone around me starts dying and I don't leave my house much? Sometimes the idea of euthanasia makes sense.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:50 PM

 
Jon's 12 Step Plan to being Cool

1. Start reading good books (see last post).
2. Listen to Elvis Costello records.
3. Continue to wear black socks exclusively.
4. Wear sandals more often (minus the socks of course).
5. Hang out at coffee shops more often.
6. Play more shows with Fair Verona.
7. [empty space]
8. Play more dodgeball.
9. Wear tight SA sweatshirts (so as to be more emo).
10. [can't remember]
11. [can't remember]
12. [can't remember]

Ummm, if I can remember the others I'll re-do it later.

- posted by Jonathan@ 7:47 PM

 
Okay, and I just looked at my comments, and what's up with people (not just Nate, *cough* Angela *cough*) who are all like, "Post more, update more!" I agree with the Hetz-man on this, I mean, I post almost everyday. What do you freaks want? And if I miss one day, don't cry. . . I'll be back.

post script (yes Mike, I am lame and trendy, but it's just so much more cool) - I love you guys

- posted by Jonathan@ 7:59 PM

 
I'm reading Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger. I don't think I'm smart enough for Salinger. I should really give up. I mean, I read the stories and I like them (The Laughing Man's my favorite. I know everyone chooses A Perfect Day for Bannana Fish, but I've got to go with The Laughing Man so far), but what is he talking about? Where does he come up with this stuff? What is in his head that makes him write this? What life expiriences drove him to formulate those stories? The real reason that I'm reading Nine Stories is because I want to read books that are worth something. I'm also currently reading High Fidelity (good both in book and movie form, check it out) by Nick Hornby. And I just finished Kick Me by what's his face (the creator of Freaks and Geeks) yesterday. And I'm reading Lord of the Rings, ha.

Next on my "to read list" (in no particular order):
About a Boy (Nick Hornby)
Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters (J.D. Salinger)
The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
Give a Boy a Gun (Todd Strasser)
How to be Good (Nick Hornby)

And that's all that I can think of at the moment.

"I'm here, in this stupid little flat, on my own, and I'm thirty-five years old, and I own a tiny failing business, and my friends don't seem to be friends at all but people whose phone numbers I haven't lost. And if I went back to sleep and slept for fourty years and woke up without any teeth to the sound of Melody Radio in an old people's home, I wouldn't worry that much, because the worst of life, i.e., the rest of it, would be over. And I wouldn't even have had to kill myself."
Rob - High Fidelity


- posted by Jonathan@ 7:51 PM

 
Blah. I am so lame. Don't you forget it.

- posted by Jonathan@ 6:16 PM

 
I can't sleep. I know I'm going to die tommorrow for this. I read somewhere that you really shouldn't write when it's late because the you can get all emotional and say stupid stuff that you didn't mean to actually say. This is just some stuff that I've been thinking of posting but just haven't yet because I'm lame like that.

- Jon Hetzel - Not only is he one of the coolest, nicest guys you'll ever meet, he's also totally on fire for God. I mean, "Florida's on Fire" sort of blaze. I think you should all commit the name "Jon Hetzel" to memory if you've never met him. I'd be willing to stake money on the fact that someday he's going to do amazing things because of Christ working through him and you'll all hear his name then. I feel privileged that I'll be able to someday say that I knew him in my youth.

- Paul & Barb Dalberg - These two people may be the Godliest people that I've ever had the chance of knowing personally. I count them as friends and mentors. I see Jesus everytime I see one of them. I just thank God for them daily because I am so lucky to have their love and guidance.

- Emo Bobby - He moved away. Monday night he called his Dad and had him come pick him up and he's now permanately living in Ft. Atkinson. He switched schools. His guitar is in my bedroom. He was definately the craziest guy I'd ever met in my life and if we don't hang out when he comes to visit Janesville I swear I will punch him in the throat.

There's definately tons of other people who mean a great deal to me, these are just the people that were on my mind. I feel sick to my stomach.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:19 AM

 
The show last night went super awesome. We did our thing and I had a blast. 2nd Annex smashed a guitar, and Joel came on stage and danced with me this time. Good turn out, energetic crowd, people came up and said hi afterwards. There was actually such a big crowd that I jumped off stage during out last song and crowd-surfed, then danced with everyone on the floor while trying to play even though my strap fell off through all of this. It was a good time. Afterwards, Perkin's. Communists. Everybody has to order something, did you know that? If you don't have any money you can't sit with a group of friends who are all eating, you actually have to leave. Yeah, I ordered a sugar cookie. Suck on that you Nazis. After Perkin's, my house. Went to Blockbuster to rent a film. Two minutes after midnight and the doors were already locked. This is not our night. I went home and went to bed. I don't know what the boys did, I slept in my room. Church this morning. My parents are out of town. Gary led the service. Kudos. He did a good job. After church I came home right away meaning to sleep until cells. Ummm, yeah, that didn't work out. I'm still awake. Oh well, no big deal. You can't die from sleep deprivation. I need more hours in my day.

I'm writing a short story. I don't have a title yet, all I have is a loose idea for a plot and a few paragraphs. It's hard to find time to do something like that. It requires a lot of thought and effort. I'll get to work on it sometime though. I don't really have anything else meaningful to say. Leave me a comment so I can know that I am loved. . .

- posted by Jonathan@ 3:48 PM

 
Better Than A Kick has a show tonight. It should be pretty fun. We're playing with 2nd Annex and those guys are quite cool. It promises to be a fun night. The boys are spending the night at ma maision. I'm listening to this drum solo by Rush's drummer and it's nuts. I mean, honestly. I'm going to go shower or something because I'm sick nasty. Reminds me of someone else I know. . .

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:53 PM

 
I thought there was something to inspire me. I thought I could try my hand at writing. I only hate myself more now. I'm just kidding. I've actually been feeling so good about myself and my life lately. But I did really try to write something. I started a short fiction story and it was just bad. Like three or four sentences into it I was like, "Geez, what am I doing?" I suppose I will try again. Maybe this next time though I'll try and figure out something to write about before just writing. Maybe that will help.

I'm at a loss. I truly am. I'm so nervous. Thinking makes my stomach queasy. I don't know what I'm doing. Do you know? Could you let me in on it please? When did I change? And if I could find the man with the answer to that question; I'd ask him why I'm still the same. . .

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:13 PM

 
Oh my Lord, I did not even know it was possible to be so shallow and stupid. I am amazed almost everyday by your lack of brain activity. Hello? What were you thinking?!?!? What did you expect!?!? I mean, my goodness! Why must I have to witness this? It hurts me, it really does. I feel bad to see you like this. If you'd only listen to me! Why are you so unapproachable? I'm just trying to look out for you.

There. . . it's released. So I got a B+ on my speech. That's right. Rock it. On another note: I'm learning to play some Taking Back Sunday songs. Aren't you just jealous. I am so cool. I got a postcard from Finland today! Oh yeah! RC finally came through. Thanks dude, you rock. If any of you are reading this in a foriegn country, email me and I'll give you my address so you can send me a postcard. I collect postcards from foriegn countries. I have one from Kenya, and one from Vietnam, and two from France (which almost count), and so on. And now I have one from Finland. Oh, and RC's still holding out for a Russian. I thought I'd just share that with you all.

- posted by Jonathan@ 7:53 PM

 
One week of research.
One week of procrastination.
One hour of actual work.
One career paper.
Oh yeah. . .

- posted by Jonathan@ 6:16 PM

 
Living close to God is better than any feeling in the world.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:30 PM

 
Dilerium Trigger - Claudio Sanchez of Coheed and Cambria

We're now up here alone
Terror on the intercom
Can someone save us?
Systems malfunction
Blast it this damn machine
Over and out captain

Something lurks
Creeps on the counter top
Somewhere behind you
Parasitic cyst
I can't stand to watch
It's coming up and out of your chest

Remember when we were young
Sit up
Right on the table
A photograph of earth feeding me a way back
Frightened I tear alone or maybe not
The the only one there
Hello... hello?
When it rings will you answer?
There...
Corner tall short stance, It's you
Come on kill me!!

You made a good friend to me
But while you were outnumbered and torn
They made us do things...

Oh dear God, I don't feel alive
When you're cut short of misery
Will you pray it be the end?
Give a look surprise wide eyed to me
Then you'll know just what I am
The scare that triggers your fear
Come know me in a different light now
Come know me as god

You made a good friend to me
But while you were outnumbered and torn
They made us do things...

Run sand hourglass
It's my time, will I be worth?
Spin 'round carousel
When your horse isn't screwed in

Oh dear God, I don't feel alive
When you're cut short of misery
(raise forth lost cause)
Will you pray it be the end?
Give a look surprise wide eyed to me
(raise forth lost cause)
Then you'll know just what I am
(subtle demise the legitimate cry)
The scare that triggers your fear
Come know me in a different light
Come know me as god
(raise forth lost cause)

- "Is it just me or is this song about the movie 'Aliens'... Check out the intro. 'Come on... kill me.'"

- "They are a concept band... the cd as a whole tells a story... I believe its about war in the future and this couple who is in love..."

- "All the songs on the CD are like the soundtrack to [Claudio's] book. Coheed and Cambria are the main characters. The Second Stage Turbine Blade is the name of the 2nd chapter."

- "All of Coheed and Cambria's songs are based on the sci-fi novels that the lead singer Claudio is writing, where the main characters are Coheed and Cambria. So this song is probaly about an alien attack."

- "Most every song that is on 'Second Stage Turbine Blade' [*ed. Jon* that's the name of the cd on which this song is found] is specifically about the series, or whatever you want to call it, that Claudio is writing... I am an obsessed fan and I asked him... He said the songs were just about what Coheed and Cambria experience in his series he is writing."

- "Its about three people in a spaceship coming back to Earth. There is only enough oxygen for two of them to get home. While deciding who will have to kill themself, one of them goes crazy and kills the other two."

- "Its about a guy (Coheed) who had a dormant creature (the mon-star) surgically implanted in his heart to keep him alive, or bring him back to life when he was young: "remember when we were young sit up right on the table a photograph of earth feeding me a way back." Coheed is on a mission to save the power that keeps the planets of the solar system from coming apart (the Keywork) and supposedly the "Mon-star" in his heart gives him the power to do so. It was awakened however, by a serum injected into Coheed by a dragonfly (check out the cd cover picture), and it apparently comes out of Coheed: "something lurks creeps on the counter top somewhere behind you parasitic cyst i can't stand to watch it's coming up and out of your chest " Im not sure if it actually comes out, or if its Coheed's imagination. The whole intro might be Coheed's dream, and the rest might be him reflecting on the dream and imagining things about it. But he feels its presence: "frightened I tear alone or maybe not the the only one there hello... hello? when it rings will you answer? there corner tall short stance it's you!come on kill me!! " The rest is dialog with the Mon-star along with some narration. I guess it's Coheed maybe realizing what is inside him as it awakens."

- "Well, I saw C&C 3x times and one time I had a little chit chat with Claudio and I asked him if the lyrics to the songs will make more sense if you read the book he has written, and he said yes, the lyrics will make more sense once you read his book. And he said his book is finished, but they are looking for a publisher."

Say "yes" to concept albums!!!!!

- posted by Jonathan@ 1:01 AM

 
I'm so good at procrastination. Too good in fact.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:39 PM

 
I miss Bobby! Where is he!??!!?

- posted by Jonathan@ 6:30 PM

 
Just a quick note: cappuccino and chocolate chip bagels at one in the morning makes for a good time. Drunk people are funny. Crabby people at the Taco Bell drive-through are also funny. Peeing while walking is hard to do, and Derek + Mike = Satan. I just wanted to go to bed! It was a good time though.

- posted by Jonathan@ 6:11 PM

 
Monday I dyed my bangs hot pink. Tuesday night I dyed my hair purple. It turned out to be a greenish grey because I just mixed some different colors together. Red and blue make purple right? I just finished dying my hair black. It's sweet.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:01 PM

 
I'm at Joey's. Where are you?

- posted by Jonathan@ 7:16 PM

 
Yeah, so I'm thinking I might actually get to bed before 10 o'clock tonight. Cheers. The Hetz-man came over after school today. He missed his bus. We were hanging out and we looked at Bob's blog. You should check it out. He's got one weird entry on there. I mean, what a freak. Honestly. Ummm, tonight I went to Joe's house with Jon and Alison. Zach and Shalina met us there. I felt weird though because I broke into Joey's house, and as I was opening the door he was standing there. Turns out they didn't leave for vacation at six o'clock like planned. It was all cool though. When I said broke in I actually meant opened his garage. He gives the combination out like candy. Serious. Ask him. I got my butt kicked in some Pro Skater 4. I didn't even know how to work the controller. Silly kids and their Playstations. Oh, and Joey burnt me a new Dashboard cd with the live version of Hands Down on it before he left. It rocks. It's like an 11 minute long song dudes. Yeah, suck on that. Chris Carrabba says the "F-word" in it though. It was kind of weird. Ummm, now I'm just making myself sound stupid though. So I'm going to go. This entry is lame anyways. Rock on, rock through.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:41 PM

 
Why am I always this way? I don't know what to do with myself. How do I know if this is for real? How can I tell? What if it's all in my head? Am I just fabricating all of this so I can be happy? Why can't I just be satisfied? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to give in, but I keep finding myself drifting. I dream about it at night it seems. But it isn't real, it can't be. I'm not good enough. I'm not ready. "'Speak quickly to me, before I fall.' Yeshua, come quickly." I wander these halls, these rooms. I walk these streets. I stare at these skies. And I breath these thoughts and dreams. I search the faces of others. I scour my own soul and body. I'm afraid to look behind me, but neither can I focus on anything beyond. "Shut my mouth and close my eyes, and let all my typing follow suit."

10:39 a.m. - CAT Class

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:49 PM

 
We played our show with Shindig tonight. It went well. Crappy sized crowd though. If people don't like my band, they should just tell me that they don't want to come see us play instead of being, "Oh yeah man, I'm coming. . ." Stupid [explicit deleated] people. Why am i so mad about this? I don't know. Hmmm, I should really let that go. I had fun at the show though, don't get me wrong. We did a sweet intro into "Dark Hour" as our first song. All the lights were off, and we had this crazy scary movie clip playing with all these crazy noises and stuff, and then the strobe kicks on with the drums and stuff. Good times. People seemed to like it. I think we'll do it again sometime. Derek from Shindig is sitting in the other room playing through an arsenal of Dashboard songs on my acoustic. the only other guy I've ever met who can stand up to my hefty knowledge of DC playability. And. . . he can play FSF songs! I hate him so bad. I want him to die! Die Derek! Die! I am so jealous. I wish I could play Further Seems Forever. Two of the boys from Shindig are sleeping over tonight. Derek is where I last told you he was still, but he's moved on to some other band. Richie has been out sitting in a car with what looks like his newest groupie for the past 20 minutes. It's all very funny. I'm going to go back and join the crowd in the other room. I have a New Amsterdams song to bust out.

- posted by Jonathan@ 1:11 AM

 
I am here. Better Than A Kick has a show tonight. Zach and Aaron spent the night last night. We watched a movie. Me and Zach had Fair Verona practice. I'm feeling not into writing right now. I want to write something but I just don't have anything. I will post again sometime tommorrow.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:25 PM

 
No, I Shall Not Say

No, I shall not say why it is that I love you--
Why do you ask me, save for vanity?
Surely you would not have me, like a mirror,
Say 'yes, -- your hair curls darkly back from the temples,
Your eyes are April grey . . . with jonquils in them'?
No, if I tell at all, I shall tell in silence.
I'll say--my childhood broke through chords of music
--Or were they chords of sun?--wherin fell shadows,
Or silences; I rose through the waves of sunlight;
Or sometimes found an angel stooped above me
With wings of death, and a brow of cold clear beauty.
I lay in the warm sweet grass on a blue May morning,
My chin in dandelion, my hands in clover,
And drowsed there like a bee. Blue days behind me
reached like a chain of deep blue pools of magic,
Enchanted, silent, timeless. Days before me
Murmured of blue-sea mornings, noons of gold,
Green evenings streaked with lilac, bee-starred nights.
Confused soft clouds of foresight fled above me.
Sharp shafts of insight dazzled my eyes and peirced me.
I ran and turned and spun and danced in the sunlight,
Shrank, sometimes, from the freezing silence of Number,
Or crept once more to the warm white cave of sleep.

No, I shall not say 'This is why I praise you--
Because you say such wise things, or such foolish!'
You would not have me plead what you know better?
Let me instead be silent, only thinking--:
My childhood lives in me--or half-lives, rather--
And, if I close my eys cool chords of logic
Flow up to me, long chords of wind and sunlight,
Shadows of intricate vines on the sunlit walls,
Deep bells beating, with aeons of blue between them,
Grass blades leagues apart with worlds between them,
Walls thrust up to heaven with stars upon them.
I lay in my bed, and through the tall night window
Saw green lightning lancing among the clouds,
And heard the harsh rain claw at the panes and roof.
How should I know--how should I now remember--
What half-dreamed God's wing curved up above me?
What wings like swords? What eyes with the dread night in
them?

This I shall say.--I lay by the hot white sand-dunes.
Small yellow flowers, sapless and squat and spiny,
Stared at the sky. And silently there above me,
Day after day, beyond all dreams or knowledge,
Presences swept, and over me streamed their shadows,
Swift and blue, or dark. What did they mean?
What sinister threat of power? What hint of weakness?
Prelude to what gigantic music, or subtle?
Only, I know, these shapes leaned over me,
Brooded upon me, paused, went flowing softly,
Glided and passed. I loved, I desired, I hated,
I struggled, I yielded and loved, was warmed to blossom.
You, when your eyes have evening sunlight in them,
Set these dunes before me, these salt bright flowers,
These presences. I drowse, they stream above me,
I struggle, I yeild and love, I become that child.
You are the window (if I could tell I'd tell you)
Through which I see a clear far world of sunlight.
You are the silence (if you could hear you'd hear me)
In which I remember a thin still whisper of singing.
It is not you I laugh for, you I touch!
My hands, that touch you, suddenly touch a cobweb,
Coldly silvered, heavily silvered with dewdrops,
And clover, heavy with rain, in cold green grass.

- Conrad Aiken

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:08 PM

 
I'm really tired. I want to go to bed. I can't though, I have to wait for Lexi to call me so we can plan for cells this week. Otherwise I'd mega go to bed right now. I want to make a cool entry right now but I'm having trouble functioning. You know?

- posted by Jonathan@ 7:43 PM

 
I'm sorry Amy.

- posted by Jonathan@ 4:36 PM

 
Daydream

Flourescent lighting hums overhead. Pen scratches paper. Fingers click on table. Shoes shuffle along tile. Whispered tales fill the air. High School Drama: Season II. The glare and the smell of cleaning supplies permeates the atmosphere. I look, but none look back. I stare from over the edge of my notebook. The phone rings. Minutes pass. My mind wanders. . . but eventually I come back to reality.

9:41 a.m. - Study Hall

- posted by Jonathan@ 4:35 PM

 
I'm still scared. . . but it's not so bad.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:42 PM

 
I had a lot happen to me tonight. I Came face to face with some things. I saw Jesus. I cried hard. I laid on the floor. I stopped breathing. I cried while laying on a set of stairs. I saw Heaven. I felt Worthless. I felt amazing love. I got scared. I trusted in God.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:42 PM

 
Cds that I have been listening to in the past few days: The Juliana Theory - Emotion is Dead, The Ataris - Anywhere But Here, The Get Up Kids - On a Wire, The Juliana Theory - Love, Fugazi - The Argument, Zao - Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest, Jon Hetzel's Underoath Mix, Wideawake - Bigger Than Ourselves, Piebald - We Are the Only Friends We Have, Jimmy Eat World - Clarity, Jimmy Eat World - Static Prevails, Jon's "It's Good for the Heart, Good for the Soul" Hardcore Mix, The Alkaline Trio - Self Titled. Those are all the ones I can think of at the moment.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:41 PM

 
I've stopped drinking pop and eating sweets.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:42 PM

 
I was just filling up a glass with water and I realized that there are people all over the world who don't even have water to drink. I am so lucky. I want to try harder not to waste so much.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:41 PM

 
I'm listening to this mix cd I made a while ago. I was rocking to Crimson Thorn and Kekal, and some Indwelling and Symphony in Peril. Then it goes to like seven Slow Coming Day songs. What was I thinking when I made that cd? A little bit of an odd mixture there if you know what I mean.

I was reading some articles about "Sraight Edge," or sXe, or whatever you want to call it, on the internet today. I was doing so because a long time ago I notice a patch on Emo Bobby's, backpack that says "xstraightedgex." I thought it was a band or something (and I still think it is, I'm sure I read that name somewhere), but after I looked into it a little more, it turns out that it is also the name of a lifestyle of sorts. So anyways, I was reading those articles today and I found out that it was sort of started by Ian Mackye. It's named after a song lyric from a Minor Threat song. That's pretty cool. He's a cool guy. I hear he's really egotistical, but he's cool all the same. Fugazi rocks, and Minor Threat was cool. Straigt edge is a way of thinking that makes keeping your body, mind, and spirit pure a cool thing to do. That means pure from drugs, including cigarettes and alcohol, and most times from pre-marital sex too. When I first heard about this I thought it was awesome. I've always abstained from these things, so when I heard that there was a whole movement of people out there that were doing the same thing I just thought it was the coolest thing. I mean, it doesn't seem like abstaining from harmful things could ever be "the norm" but knowing that there's lots of people who think it should be is sweet. Straight edge rocks.

I have a big secret but I can't tell.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:36 PM

 
I was looking at some old poems and I just thought I'd post a few here because no one ever really gets to read my stuff. That's my fault but whatever, don't complain. And Poetry Corner rocks. Don't think I've forgotten about you guys. I just haven't written anything new because I am lame and have no inspiration.

Untitled
You're a vision. . .
Of beauty in my world
You lips bleed truth. . .
(of me, of you)
I bleed too. . .
7/10/01

T.V. Still Sucks
Past expirience has taught me not to live in the past
But sometimes the future looks dim
So here I am, stuck in this drama
But my character sucks

I live my life as if by script
Few suprises (even with all the plot twists)
I can't wait till the end of this season
Good thing the main character never dies
2/13/02

Untitled
I wrote you a poem to the rythm of a heartbeat
You can read it if you look in my eyes
But distance blurs vision,
And time kills all hope
Like the Bearer of Evil Tidings, the minute hand races
Past infinity (and on towards doomsday)
The day will come when the fire will burn
And all will be lost in the blaze
All but the Evil Tidings:
"truth is lost in time."
9/19/02

Untitled
I'm measuring my minutes by a clock that's blinking 8:00
No (lie)
2:13 (truth)
Thanks Chris
Real time - 12:06 a.m. (central)
Wide awake.
2/20/03

Okay, so I have this friend who's totally cool. She doesn't always think so herself though, and that makes me sad. Maybe I don't tell her enough. Her name is Angie and I'm very proud of her because she is getting quite good at updating. She is like the opposite of worthless. You should meet her. I think you would like her.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:34 PM

 
I'm at school. English class. Should be doing work. Am not. Notecards suck. Must have ten by tommorrow. Should be working. Am not.

- posted by Jonathan@ 1:56 PM