Fine days and fine weeks. I've been taking advantage of the beautiful weather, sucking it in through my pores it seems, and digesting it along with time spent in thought and praise. Fellowship with my Father. Thoughts of you. Contented sighs. How great and wonderful is our Lord's creation!

I've been making a conscious effort to write more. Both in my journal and writing more poetry. It seems hard to find time with my work schedule, but I believe that it's important.

This is a poem I wrote last month:

Untitled (A Song With Repeating Patterns)

I am lost
I seek direction
(I seek your face Father)
I'm sorry for my failures
I want for love
I struggle and gasp for love!
To be loved,
. . . and to love others
Anything to rid myself of this hate
I kill, I hate, I destroy

(I am sorry)

I don't really know who I am
But I know my sickness
And how it spreads!
And consumes this flesh,
to lay defeat upon my heart

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:29 PM

 
I closed my eyes and wished you were here.

"This is the press of a bashful hand . . . . this is the float and odor of
hair,
This is the touch of my lips to yours . . . . this is the murmur of
yearning,
This is the far-off depth and height reflecting my own face,
This is the thoughtful merge of myself and the outlet again."

From "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:53 PM

 
What a beautiful day. The Father turns my heart to singing and my body to dancing. Blessing poured out. Time was spent beneath trees, and lying in grass. And listening to the wind, and feeling the earth beneath my feet. I fellowshipped with Whitman and Emerson. I drank in the taste of the sun warmed air. I had visions of kissing the face and the feet of Jesus. Oh my Lord! The same dust into to which you breathed life was held in my hand! And melted into it. And was turned to dust itself! And my heart did beat a song for you Yeshua.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:53 PM

 
I love Jesus Christ.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:14 PM

 
That's it. Weeping. My nose bleeds when I'm upset. In two days I've lost my voice. I've lost the ability to speak. In two days I've lost the ability to communicate. I don't see a point in trying anymore. I guess he never cared. I will probably never see him again. A lot of wasted everything.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:33 PM

 
This is all really disturbing. I knew that change was a part of growing up, but I guess I never truly grasped it. I never imagined that people would just start to write me off as insignificant in their big grown up lives. I don't understand how friendship can mean such different things to different people. I feel now like I've just been wasting all my time and effort and emotion. Because this hasn't all been just for me. I thought I was just a part of something more important than myself. This just sounds all too familiar. Like death. I guess I'm just dead in others' eyes. I guess I don't matter. None of this matters. I can't believe I'm even being faced with this again. What a bastard. How cruel we can be to one another. And I'm sure much of it is unintentional. But fuck you anyways.

I need you Jesus. I don't need this anger.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:25 PM

 
Ian, your comment has made me feel loads better. If only we lived closer. I'd say let's me and you kick it old school sometime. Thanks though.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:46 PM