Untitled

This taste is in my mouth,
"Long and hard and tongue and good."

I'm just hoping for one good controversy
Or maybe a fist fight
I just want to feel my face,
bruised and tender
I just want to taste blood in my mouth
And swallow my teeth

I have a message for you
Clenched here in my fist

My knuckles bursting,
My skin ripping,
My heart beating,

I sometimes wish I could die for you
So that you would feel bad for redeeming my promise

And I really hate your girlfriend, she's a bitch.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:48 PM

 
Words fall short. Or rather, my grasp or how to use them.

I find that it's easier to say things with spaces and silence. That way you better understand.

There's a lot, you know? Different things too. Much of it good. Most of it good. But there's loss too. That still hurts. Even after months and weeks and days. And I suppose I've ignored it for a long time. And for a while that felt good. But now it's starting to hit me again. I think I'm just starting to realize that things really will never be the same. Ever. It wasn't just a trial to get through. It was a goodbye. And I fear that I'm alone now. I sometimes think that you don't really care. Because you've said that you care. But. . . I don't see it. But what have I done either? Besides sit in my bedroom and played guitar as I forgot about you. I really don't think about you that much anymore. And that kind of makes me sad. Even scared. But I'm more scared to talk to you. I'm scared to say "ok." Even though I've said it before. I didn't really mean it. I'm afraid. I've already been dead for three years. I don't need three more before you say goodbye again.

Oh my lost brother
How can you say you love me?
How can you say you love me,
with you sword buried to it's hilt in my heart
Oh my dear brother,
your eyes are closed!

Return
Return
Return

Days are spent with eyes shut
Don't want to see the faces
Days are spent with ears closed
Don't want to hear the lies

Retreat

I wrote that for you today.


- posted by Jonathan@ 3:28 PM

 
Life is good, you know? God is good. Everything is good. But. . .

Having to face people is tough. Looking at someone you love but who doesn't love you back. Who turns their face to ignore you when you walk past them. Or who just forgets about you, and shuts you out. It hurts, you know? To invest so much of your heart in a person, only to have them write you off as unimportant.

It makes me appreciate the real brother that I do have. I've been making a conscious effort to look at him differently. As my brother whom I need to look out for, instead of just as an annoyance. Someday he'll grow up and not be an annoying little kid, and I want us to be friends. Because brothers should be friends. Especially since friends don't make very good brothers.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:51 AM

 
This weekend was wonderful. And it's all thanks to my great friends and my loving Savior. I had a really great time. I'm glad I screwed up my work schedule and got to stay for the whole weekend. Love.

Favorite Moment: Time spent at the piano.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:14 PM