This week has been going fast. I like that. I don't work again until Saturday, which is nice. And we have a show Friday. And when I say we, I mean that ETN was supposed to play, but instead I will be doing some acoustic stuff. It's not a long story, but I don't care to type it. I'm going to look into getting a tux tomorrow. For prom that is. Which is an exciting thought. It will be fun I suppose. I've never had a desire to go to prom at all, and in fact, mostly loathed the idea (Angela, you were different because you are cool and you school is not as lame as mine. Hard to believe, but true). But now that I am presented with the situation, I am excited. But not really for prom, but rather the whole deal leading up to it. The "prom" in itself (that being the dance at my school) will be entirely lame. For two reasons mainly:

1. Bad music.
2. People dry humping each other for hours.

But other that the portion of the night that will be spent at the school itself, I am very excited for the whole weekend. Mostly just because it will be a special event spent with a special person. And perhaps I am wrong and the dance won't be half as bad as I am imagining. Whatever.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:35 PM

 
I feel tired. Just of everything. Of everyone. And mostly of myself. I'm so sick of responsibility. I'm just as selfish as everyone else, but I don't care. Neither does anyone else. And I'm missing out on love. Because I always turn my back. Opting instead for something worthless. And I run away from the only thing that I know will satisfy me. And I feel so wholly unsatisfied. Not so much with my life, but just with my role in it. I hate how I think, and how I act, and how I fail to be what is needed of me. I hate highschool. I hate being there or even thinking about it. I'd like to look forward to graduation and escape, but I'll probably never get out. And the reason why just goes back to how stupid I am. And how unmotivated I am to better anything in my life. Because I'm so apathetic. I'm so unaffected by reality. I'm dreaming. And it's a very bad dream. And I just want it to end. Father hear my sighs.

I tear and bleed.

I pine and perish.

I hate, and kill, and destroy.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:34 PM

 
Making money is making sense.

Who is this Tina pedestrian?

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:43 PM

 
I almost forgot. . .

My favorite quote of the week: "Excuse me. Excuse me! That is mine."

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:39 PM

 
I had a really good weekend. I don't have anything else to say because that's all I can think about.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:42 PM

 
Hmmm. I suppose it's sort of like waiting to wake up. From a dream that you never want to end. But you know that it can't last forever. And life can't be this good. And I'm not allowed to be happy.

There was a time when I would have never allowed myself to even feel good at all. I really used to hate myself a lot. It's so much easier to hate. Have you ever realized that? Love takes so much effort. Whereas hate just comes so naturally. Especially when it concerns myself. But don't worry. I'm over it.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:16 PM

 
Dexterity Lacking

My fingers are calloused from pressing on steel
They're stained silver-black from length of exposure
So many times have my hands walked these routes
Familiar paths of familiar songs

And long have my hands been creased by wear
And long have my hands had to bear the weight
Of my own head
Held soft in shame and sadness

The ink on their backs
It runs black
One line poems (quickly penned there)
Quickly penned there fade
Like so many memories before them
Forgotten
Just like the feelings that birthed them

My fingers are calloused from pressing on steel
They're stained silver-black from length of exposure


- posted by Jonathan@ 10:19 PM

 
Hi my loves. I'm sorry I don't write anything. I just have nothing important to say. Except that I miss you, my friends. Life has been pretty good as of late. I have much to be thankful for. I have a good job, and people who love me, and a most beautiful girlfriend who makes me very happy, and a church home where I feel God's presence, and food to eat and water to drink. Which, even those last two things are much more than the rest of the world. I have been slacking this past week with my devotional life, and I have felt the hurts that are associated with such happenings. But my Lord, my God: he tells me how much He loves my anyway, with forgiveness on His breath. And things are right with Him again.

As much as things are great, there is always the hurt in my heart. But I've grown used to it. Yet everytime I think of my loss, it's like tearing the wound a new. So I just bleed love out. Rather than bitterness, or anger, or abandonment. I am learning much from my Savior.

I walked in on this bum guy doing coke in the bathroom at work on Wednesday. Crazy eh? What a bazu.

- posted by Jonathan@ 3:06 PM

 
Just For Myself

I don't feel the need for this.
Except deep down inside.
I've been spending a lot of time at the surface as of late.
I suppose,
I don't always know why I do what I do.
I'm trying to find my motivation.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:50 PM

 
Hi. Good times. I'm most horrible at updating as of late. Sorry. I'll try to work on that. As in, perhaps more often. And most definately with more substance.

The Passion is still fresh in my mind. I hope it stays that way forever.

- posted by Jonathan@ 5:34 PM

 
I saw The Passion of The Christ. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. This song was running through my head during the whole film.

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss; the Father turns His gace away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there, until it was acomplished
His dying breat has brought me life; I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything. No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart: His wounds have paid my ransom

- Stuart Townend

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:04 AM

 
This weekend was great. Read someone else's journal if you want to know what happened. I love my friends and wish I could see them more often.

I missed being at my corps Sunday. Is that weird?

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:10 PM