"I could buy you a drink, I could tell you all about it. I could tell you why I doubt it--and why I still believe."

I had a wonderful Christmas. I received many great presents, had a nice, lazy day with family, and got to spend an awesome amount of time avec ma fleur. And I did remember what the day was really meant for, even if I didn't spend as much time thinking about it, or being thankful for it as is deserved.


- posted by Jonathan@ 2:06 PM

 
I don't know. I just had a long conversation with my mom. It made me think a lot. Like, my parents are probably going to be moving this summer. And I've been planning on staying here in Janesville,but I'm not so sure anymore. The more I really think about it, the more I realize that there is really not anything here for me. I mean it's close to Mona, but that's about the only thing Janesville has going for it. It's not like I have a sweet job or something. It's not like I couldn't go to some community college somewhere else. There are people I would miss, but the list of people who would miss me seems to get smaller everyday. So, that's not such a deciding factor anymore.

Basically, this year has sucked. Like, a lot of good things have happened. My relationship with God has grown so much. I've fallen in love with probably the most beautiful person (man or woman) on the planet, who also happens to be the most lovely, most interesting, and smartest person in the world. I started playing drums. I got some totally sweet Star Wars tattoos. I bought an awesome guitar amp (and recently a sweet drum machine). I dropped out of high school. . . and you know, there's more too, but--

Also this year: I lost my best friend of three years. And the guy doesn't care if I live or die anymore. My band broke up and nobody cares (Like, I know that sounds stupid, but I really liked playing with ETN, and it's like only me, Nate, and Zach care. And that seems like it was kind of a failure on my part. You know? Like I wrote songs that were pieces of me, and nobody liked them that much. So what does that say?). I've realized too many times how little people know me or understand me, and it seems like I've wasted a lot of time caring about people who don't even like me. And I'm just tired of this town.

So, one unsuccessful escape attempt later (and one joyous reunion?), and I'm still overwhelmed by the same things (minus public school and seeing Jon Hetzel ignore me. Every day), plus a whole new set of failed friendships, secret enemies, and disastrous misunderstandings. I don't know. It's just starting to feel like my time here is running out. And I've been getting plenty of signs telling me I'm not meant to be here anymore. I don't know. I don't know what else to say really.

(yjsml upi xsvh gpt nromh s hrmiomr gtomf upi smf msyr drr, yp nr yjr pm;u yeo o jsbr om ksmrdbo;;)


- posted by Jonathan@ 11:35 PM

 
My hands is black and blue and awesome. I'm going to punch things more often. Only hopefully not in anger. Because that didn't help anything. But neither did being honest, so I don't know what to do.

Being a human being is a confusing thing. Interaction is a (potentionally) hurftul thing. I wish God had never stated so clearly that I have to leave my bedroom (Matt. 28:19,20). It would be so much easier to only worry about myself. Because when you reach out to people, they think ill of you. And that makes me sad.


- posted by Jonathan@ 1:16 AM

 
I hate how my every action is misinterpreted as being jerk-ish in nature. Life used to be so less complicated. Back when friends cared about each other. What has happened to our freaking world? I'm going to stop going outside.

Ian, you are cool. Sorry if you think I'm a jerk too. Everyone else does. I'm glad you're doing well. I would come over to your house tonight, but someone would probably be offended. So, I'll sit at home by myself and wish that people didn't hate me.


- posted by Jonathan@ 4:38 PM

 
I still know you're there. You might have forgotten though, that I'm still here.

I've wanted to leave for a long time. I did try once. I took my guitar, a change of clothes, pictures of my family, and some hugs from my best friends. And walking in the dark, I thought about a lot of things. My heart raced so fast, all the way into Illinois. I could hardly breathe the whole time. I just tried to keep my mind focused on getting away from this town. I had these dreams of sleeping outdoors, and playing my guitar for money. Eating at soup kitchens, and spending my days beside park benches, writing letters and postcards. I just wanted to see something besides my bedroom. I wanted to know something besides my gratingly comfortable lifestyle. Going to school made me want to kill myself, and seeing you everyday, ignoring me. . .

I was almost in tears when I stopped at the tollway. 90 miles from home. 90 miles from any sort of a future involving those I loved. I scraped through the underbrush, collecting splinters under my finger nails, and cuts along my arms. I was so scared--but for a while I forgot about everything.

Almost everyday I wish I never came back. Almost every day I think of you. Almost every day I remember how little anyone realizes.


- posted by Jonathan@ 9:51 PM

 
It makes me pretty angry to think about it. And it's starting to make me sick to my stomach. You stick with someone through the bad times because you love them, and then you see them doing such God-awfully stupid things with themselves. It's pretty weak. In fact, it's enormously weak. You'd think they would have enough respect for the people who've always been there to listen to some well intentioned (and well needed) advice. Or you'd think that any intelligent person would just have enough respect for themselves. And you know, I'd really love to just wash my hands of the whole thing. But you can't just do that with someone you care for. So all you can do is watch them be an idiot and try not to offend them by speaking the truth.

Incredibly weak.

Why doesn't anyone just trust me? Do they think I am so high and mighty that I don't understand them or something? Have I made myself so unapproachable? What is it exactly that I ever did to put myself in this situation? All I've ever done was care about my friends. Maybe I don't know how to show it well enough. Or maybe they're just sick of hearing what I have to say. I really don't know. I try to just be accepting of everyone. I just want people to see that. That I am not a bad guy. That I am only trying my best to be like Jesus Christ. But of course, as history has shown, no one believes that. They think instead that I am some hypocritical, know-it-all, jerk--who only cares about himself and some legalistic religion. And I'm sure I will get some anonymous comment about how I was a jerk to someone at lunch time three years ago because I was having a bad day, and that reasonably proves that I am a dick, a liar, and most of all: a religious hypocrite.

So hopefully you see my dilemma:

I can sit quietly to the side of everyone else, laugh when I am supposed to, tell a funny joke when I am supposed to, play a guitar when I am supposed to, give a sermon when someone cusses or whatever, and just do what is expected of me. And really, that's all that's needed of me anyways. I fill empty spots nicely and make people feel better about themselves.

Or I can be honest with people; about my feelings, who I am, what I see. . . and of course, piss everybody off. Because no one wants to hear anything from me. I guess I get pretty old pretty quickly. I'm surprised people still even talk to me. Really, if everyone was smart, they would have just left with Hetzel. Because that guy's got it right. I am probably the worst person who has ever lived. And more importantly, I only want people to come and fill seats in my church Sunday mornings. And that is all I care about. I just want to shove man's religious doctrine down the throats of those around me, and remind myself how much better I am than everyone else.

You know what? I'll just say it: I just want people to like me. But I guess I just can't do anything right. I don't know what people want from me. I thought it was just a friend, but as history has shown, that's not true either.

I don't know. . . I am happy to be alive. I am happy to be who I am. I'm happy to have my family. I don't know what I am going to do next year. I'm starting to understand how important family really is. If they leave next year, I will truly be alone. Because my family are the only people who have always loved me no matter what. Even when I've messed up. Rachel is already gone, Jenni's moving out so soon (at least she'll still be in Janesville). If my parents get moved, I will be alone in a city where no one understands me. And don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the few friends I have that care for me on some level. It's just hard to believe sometimes that I'm really an important part of anything. Like, if I didn't play music well, what would I have to offer anyone? Like, if I had never come back, what would people think of me? What would they really miss? And I know that's dumb, so I'll just stop.

I guess this sums it up: I pray for my friends (even ones who don't like me anymore). I just wonder who is praying for me.


- posted by Jonathan@ 3:03 PM

 
Let me just say, that modern country music is so unbearably awful. I honestly can't even stand it. Now, there was a time when I could have at least respected country. Like back when Johnny Cash was writing about cocaine and stuff, and Elvis was pimping everything that moved. Now it's just become this disgusting tractor-chic subculture. That's why when I refer to what is commonly considered "country" music these days, I use the term "modern country." Or it's synonym, "utter crap."

Listen, do yourself a favour and kick modern country in the head. I mean honestly, have some self-respect. I think listening to country music is probably some sort of cry for help.

Let me also just say, stuff like Elliott Smith, or Sufjan Stevens. . . ahhhh, that's good stuff. Like, the folk/indie sort of thing, you know? Or for instance, take an artist like Iron and Wine, who incorporates the single virtuous thing that country music contributed to the world: slide guitar (sans the obnoxiousness of course). When used properly, it can be a wonderful thing. And Iron and Wine is a wonderful thing.

So my whole point? My final summation: none.


- posted by Jonathan@ 1:42 PM

 
I am Janesville's League of Mercy Secretary by the way.

I did my first nursing home this morning. I have two more this afternoon and will have more every Tuesday. I am pretty excited. I've always wanted to help with this, and now I am in charge. It's pretty cool. Like, these people just want love, you know? They just want someone to take their hand and say hello. And I can do that.

Ian has surgery tomorrow. Call him and tell him you love him. (608)314-9508. Also, I'm going to visit him sometime in the hospital, anyone who wants to go, get a hold of me or leave me a message.


- posted by Jonathan@ 11:24 AM

 
Today, Through the Fog

I saw a fat old man walking a fat old dog--
their steps not in time, but with equally awkward gaits.

And so with flourish (and a singular movement),
. . . imitating man, imitating dog.


- posted by Jonathan@ 1:54 PM

 
This will be a real webjournal entry. One like other people do (except Zach). This will be about my day.

Today. . .

I woke up. Did homework. Also ate food (hotdogs). Also played Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Also watched Silence of the Lambs and Slingblade. I'm boring.

So I watched Silence of the Lambs today?


- posted by Jonathan@ 8:26 PM