as warmth fades: It would be "you're" as in "you are the air I breathe"
as warmth fades: But thanks anyways
SPEAKS2005: yah
as warmth fades: it was a nice sentiment
SPEAKS2005: thanks
as warmth fades: Don't worry, Eric and Allison are okay and the baby polar bear was rescued by its mother
as warmth fades: My homemade strawberry coolata has whipped cream in it
SPEAKS2005: ooooooo jeeze i want some
as warmth fades: There is more left if you'd like it
SPEAKS2005: yummmm
as warmth fades: I don't know how you'd get it though
as warmth fades: I suppose I could save it till Monday and bring it to you
as warmth fades: but it might lose some of it's magic by that time
as warmth fades: wait, my sister just finished it off
as warmth fades: I am truly sorry for your loss
as warmth fades: That is an apporpriate thing to say on this occassion, correct?
SPEAKS2005 signed off at 8:46:52 PM.
SPEAKS2005 signed on at 8:47:26 PM.
as warmth fades: I have a question
SPEAKS2005: whats that
as warmth fades: well, first I have a confession
SPEAKS2005: which is
as warmth fades: I don't actually have a question
as warmth fades: I was just trying to stimulate the conversation
as warmth fades: because I felt cold and all alone
as warmth fades: I see that I have failed in all that I have aimed at
as warmth fades: Nothing is true anymore
as warmth fades: Correction:
as warmth fades: I see that (I've) failed in all that I've aimed at
as warmth fades: Explanation for the correction: it's easier on the tounge that way
SPEAKS2005 signed off at 8:56:12 PM.
SPEAKS2005 signed on at 8:57:46 PM.
SPEAKS2005: well since my computer keeps kicking me off every 5 minutes... i do believe i am going to retire to my bed
SPEAKS2005: lol well most likely jsut laying in bed contemplating life lol
SPEAKS2005: well since my computer keeps kicking me off every 5 minutes... i do believe i am going to retire to my bed
SPEAKS2005: lol well most likely jsut laying in bed contemplating life lol
as warmth fades: Why do we play this game Anna?
SPEAKS2005: which game
as warmth fades: nevermind
SPEAKS2005: no which one
SPEAKS2005: I'm??
SPEAKS2005 signed off at 9:01:52 PM.
SPEAKS2005 signed on at 9:02:18 PM.
as warmth fades: I don't think I want to talk about it
as warmth fades: Am I a jerk?
as warmth fades: or am I just a really funny guy?
as warmth fades: I'm actually playing a trick on you
SPEAKS2005: no u aren't
as warmth fades: I'll go with the second choice because I'm laughing right now
as warmth fades: How did you know that I wasn't actually laughing when I hadn't even lied about laughing yet?
as warmth fades: Wow, you may see through my guise if you are that smart
SPEAKS2005: you are trying to make me use apostrophies
SPEAKS2005: muahahha
as warmth fades: I don't know what that word means
as warmth fades: Wait, I do
as warmth fades: I'm sorry for lying to you and breaking your trust
as warmth fades: please give me a second chance
as warmth fades: Wait, don't
as warmth fades: I'm sick of second chances
as warmth fades: Look at my hands. . . with skin like this, that flex like this, and nails like this
as warmth fades: that was a bad quote, I'm sure I got it wrong
as warmth fades: sorry again
as warmth fades: I've failed at all that I've aimed for
as warmth fades: for this I am truly sorry
as warmth fades: I'm sorry if I let you down Anna
as warmth fades: find it in your sweet heart to forgive me
as warmth fades: But no second chances
as warmth fades: just leave and go to bed
as warmth fades: or rather, go to contemplate your life in your bed
as warmth fades: between your sheets
as warmth fades: under your blanket
as warmth fades: I'd be right to do the same
as warmth fades: But I've done it before
as warmth fades: and nothing came of it
as warmth fades: I was still confused as before
SPEAKS2005: g2g! goodbye old foolish one
SPEAKS2005: its fine
SPEAKS2005: happens everyday
SPEAKS2005: ok
SPEAKS2005: will do
SPEAKS2005 signed off at 9:08:43 PM.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:01 PM

 
I'm having a hard time sorting out my thoughts. I can't think of how to put them into words. I hate it when I can't vocalize my feelings. It's just that I go through my day-to-day routine and everything is fine. But then out of now where I just get deeply upset. It's triggered by a song or a memory or just something someone says, and then I'm totally sad and it just sucks. Sometimes I just feel like death would be a blessing. Not like, killing myself, but just getting away from this earth. I guess a better way to say it is that I want Christ's second coming to happen soon. I don't want to have to deal with this place. The biggest thing that gets me though is that I am even sad, and that I even complain. I mean, how can I complain? I have so much more than most people in the world. I have food to eat, and running water, and electricity. I have friends and family who love me. I have a personal relationship with the man who had nails driven through his wrists for my sake; who bled and died for me. I have all of this, and still I am unhappy. I have so much, and still I complain. I am so selfish. It's sickening. I only think of myself. I am supposed to get up tommorrow in front of my church and instruct them on how to disciple others. I'm supposed to tell them how to sacrifice themselves. And here I am now only thinking of how "bad" I have it. Only concerned with why I am sad. I'm not worrying about the babies being aborted everyday, or the people dying of starvation, or the little children who are abducted and never seen again. All I think about is me. Stop.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:39 PM

 
Blank stare. I think that expresses my feelings right now quite well. I was upset but now I am calm. How can you read through a sermon you wrote that your supposed to be preaching tommorrow and be full of anger at the same time? An angry heart is one that is not in touch with God. And out of touch with God is not where you should be when taking God's word to others. It just doesn't work that way. I seem to be in a constant struggle with myself. It's like my nature vs. my faith. Naturally I tend to get depressed and sad a lot. But, this contradicts my faith since God's Spirit in me should be evident by the fruits of the spirit.

Galatians 5:22 - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

That means that if I am doing my part in my relationship with God then I should be expiriencing His joy and peace. I know this. I understand this. I have felt His joy and I have felt His peace. But it always seems to fade. I forget. I get lonely. I retreat into myself and I leave God outside looking in. Why must I always try everything in my own strength? Haven't I learned that there is no strength left in me? I'm sick of this battle. I'm sick of fighting with myself. I, I, I. See? It's always about me. It's supposed to be about others. I'm supposed to die unto myself and be a servant to my brothers and sisters. I have to leave. It is Shalina's birthday party tonight. I just realized that I'm a half hour late and I haven't showered yet. Pray for me.

- posted by Jonathan@ 5:34 PM

 
Camping was good, if you ask me about it I might just tell you about it, but for now I have a better story. I just got back from a freaking awesome concert. Further Seems Forever, the Juliana Theory, and The Ataris. Yes, it was as cool as it sounds. This was my second time seeing FSF and my first for the other two bands. I was not disappointed. Actually I was suprised at how good The Ataris are live. I even had fun on the songs from the new album (which I don't have yet) that I couldn't sing along with. Awesome show. I am pumped. My pants got torn and my right shoe got rocked off. Literally. I found it later though so don't fret. I heard moshing refered to as "slam dancing" tonight. I like that. I might start using it. I need sleep. I have been rocked, I have been rolled, and I have had my hair tussled by a cigarette smoking girl. I also watched another girl cry after having her camera taken away. Good thing her boyfriend was there to comfort her. I myself almost started crying on the chorus for "The Last Song I'll Ever Write About A Girl." It was moving. I had so much more that I wanted to say. I was going to get very deep on you and expose my inner being. I had some insecurities I meant to leave here tonight. let's just end it on a positive note though right? I can't type tonight anyways.

- posted by Jonathan@ 2:07 AM

 
I love cell groups. I love praise band. I love worshiping God. I love clear nights when the stars are out and I feel small. I love driving in the dark with the windows down. I feel full of love right now. God is in me and he's awesome in my life. I mean, who am I that the creator of the universe should love me?

I'm going camping! It's going to be sweet. It's going to be Zach, Jon, Tim, Joey, and me. We're leaving tommorrow morning with my parents and my little brother for this campsite near Rockford. I'm excited, but I'm really tired too so I'm going to go to bed. I'll be back Thursday afternoon sometime, so until then, keep it rock.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:50 PM

 
I'm so sick of people. Honestly. Why do we always have to hurt each other. We're so motivated by everything that is wrong in the world. Nothing that is good is a part of us anymore. Sometimes I get so hopefull, that mankind can change and progress from it's current state, but I'm always let down. Not just by others either, but by myself too. I think to much about everything. Why am I this way? Why can't I be someone else? What am I even doing here? This is not a cry for help. This is the cry of my heart. I hate being let down and I hate even more letting others down. I don't even know what I'm trying to say to you. I hate not being able to express myself. It's like I'm looking in a mirror but not seeing a reflection. I stare at myself. I try to examine, observe, scrutinize. But there's nothing there to look at because I am blank. Empty. Or else, it's like code. I might be able to decipher bits and peices, but the big picture always escapes me.

"This Emotion"
Here I am confused. So unsure of where I stand. Consumed by emptiness. Sick of being used by this world.
When will it end? This game I play with You. When will I stop to pretend? And go standing on a black line. The misery breaks my heart. Deep down inside, I know. I can't go on living this way. When will it end? This game I play with You. When will I stop to pretend? And go follow You.

I have not forgotten Your whispering voice.
Or the sweetness of Your presence. . .
- Orion Walsh of Slow Coming Day


- posted by Jonathan@ 12:00 AM

 
I'm going to go write a song. That's what I do, I write songs. Do it.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:29 PM

 
I like looking up lyrics for songs when I can't make out the words. It is very satisfying to know what Daniel Weyandt is growling so the next time someone asks me, "Can you even understand that?" I can say, "yes." I like listening to Underoath when I'm driving. They're so freaking good that it makes me feel sad. Sad because me and my band are no where near as talented. I mean, they're a metal band with a frickin' keyboardist. Enough said. Cool Hand Luke is also an awesome band. Totally outspoken about thier beliefs and not just in their songs either. I heard their lead singer is like 4 feet tall and only weighs 80 pounds. I mean, I'm sure it's an [enter word for blowing out of proportion that I can't think of] but still, he's probably totally small. Like Chris Carrabba style. That guy's small. And balding. It's sad really. You know what else is sad? It's almost midnight and I'm sitting here talking about crap. Nothing. I don't know anymore.

Tommorrow at my school there is going to be a forum for people to speak their minds/hear other's opinions about the war. I think it's going to be cool. I'm definately going to be there. The thing that pisses me off though is that I know there's going to be a bunch of people that get up and start talking about how Bush is a moron and America is stupid and all that crap. It's not that I'm super patriotic, or that I like Bush or anything, I just think it's gay to not support your own country. Why am I the only person who actually says the Pledge of Alleigence? It just seems like being anti-government is the cool thing to do these days. All those stupid kids with their stupid AFI shirts and "Drop Bush not bombs" scrawled over everything they own. It makes me angry. "Ooooh! Anti-flag is a great band! They're all about burning flags, we should be too!" You know what? Screw you guys. Look at all the things America has done for you. Like I said, I'm not like patriotic or anything, I just use common sense. Sure, America has problems. I mean, no government is perfect, but why don't you go live in Afghanistan? Or how about China? Or India? Then let's see how much you complain about living in America. Don't you see that we have it easy? Geez, get over yourself and your "political views." These stupid trendy kids are all about being individuals right? Then make up your mind yourself! Don't just blindly accept song lyrics or whatever rabble your parents are spouting off in your trailer. If you want to be an individual then open your eyes and open your mind. Think! There's not enough of that in the world today. If there was, then Avril Lavinge would not exist.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:04 AM

 
Things I am currently into. . .

- People telling me that I rock the woodblock.

- Looking at art exhibits (even Parker High ones).

-Driving the family minivan.

-Wishing there was a female musician up to the caliber of Chris Carrabba that I could be in love with.

- Underoath.

- Taking pictures of people without them knowing.

- Taking pictures of Killa without him knowing.

- Blogger.

- Spraying Dan with the overhead projector's water bottle in French class.

- Beautiful weather.

- Doing short abrupt entries like this one that do not require a lot of thought processing.

- Playing guitar on my porch.

- Having fights with plastic oranges.

- Watching the track team practice while I play guitar on my porch.

- Having pretty girls tell me they saw me playing guitar on my porch while they were at track practice.

- Seeing people (Ryan Wood) wearing Get Up Kids t-shirts at school.

That's it.

- posted by Jonathan@ 7:39 PM

 
Parker High School Symphonic band has a concert tonight. I'm rocking the tympani drums, crash cymbals, and wood block. How do you like them apples?

- posted by Jonathan@ 6:14 PM

 
Geez, I am so messed up right now. If you've ever seen "The Ring", then you might know what I mean. I just watched it and I feel like crying or something. Who would think something up like that? Man, whoever made that movie is a freak. Seriously, it is wrong. I highly recommend it. I'm not scared easily and it shook me to my inner being. If you like scary stuff then you should see it. But be careful, it's crazy.

I mentioned a show earlier. It went really well. I had a blast. The people seemed to enjoy it too. Good crowd. I fell on the ground. I don't know what else to say. I'm really tired. I don't really want to go to bed though. It's really good to have my license. Tonight was the first show that we got to and from by ourselves. It made me feel. . . unhindered. We loaded the van, drove to the venue, unloaded the van, did our thing, loaded the van, drove to the corps, unloaded the van, went to Nate's and peed our pants. And all of this without any parents driving us around. Rock. Like, I have great parent right? It's just good to do stuff on your own. Of course, I'm sure most of you have already expirienced this freedom and know what I'm talking about. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I think I should start sleeping more. It's hard to concentrate. Night.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:36 PM

 
I went to the wedding reception last night (everybody was invited to that) and I had a really good time. Now this might suprise you, but I'm not much of a danser. However, after a while I was out on the floor tearing it up. It was a lot of fun. That's what those kinds of things are about anyways right? Letting loose and having a good time. And that I did. The bride looked beautiful in her dress and the groom was looking sharp in his uniform. He's in the Air Force. But yeah, like I said, it was fun. I had a good time.

I got some mysterious packages in the mail today, without return addresses or any notes inside. Just a bunch of weird stuff. How did you know I loved Angela Lansbury so much though? Just kidding, don't think that you can fool me. I know who you are.

Better Than A Kick has a show tonight. Don't be suprised if this is the first you've heard of it. I haven't really told anyone about it. I didn't even put anything about it on the website. Wait, maybe I did. I don't know.

- posted by Jonathan@ 1:18 PM

 
Okay, so I started this site so I could just write about whatever I was feeling right? Well right now I am feeling like a wuss because I can't write what I'm really feeling. You know what I mean? I have a lot of things on my mind tonight. I also have Biology/CAT/French homework I should be doing. Ugh. You know what? Screw it. I'm going to say what's on my mind. If people get upset or whatever then that's their problem. See, I have this friend who is getting married right? But she can't invite anyone from cells because there is a limit on the number of people that can attend and both the bride and the groom have a lot of family attending or something. That is fine. I get that, I understand that. It still bums me that I can't go and see my friend get married, but I know why and I'm okay with it. But then, I find out that one person is invited. But only that one person! Excuse me, but what is that? I mean, why would you only invite one of us? Do we not all care just as much about you? Why would someone do that? I really don't understand. I'm sorry to anyone who is mad that I wrote this, but there, I am done. I am no longer bitter. Best wishes to the bride and groom (not that you're reading this), you rock hard and I'm really happy for you. I hope your day goes perfect. If anyone needs me I'll be home practicing my blank expression for the tirades I'm sure will ensue because of my writing this. Wait, on second thought, everyone is just going to secretly hate me. That's what I do anyways.

But see, now I am in a good mood since I let all that out. Because of this I will share some of my new favorite words/sayings. . .

- "Megatron" : I actually started using this one today. You just stick it in place of "mega." Nothing special but it's fun for the kids. I plan on starting a metal band and naming it Megatron.

- "Geez, I'd take a gun to school. . ." : Ha, I know. I say this when people tell me something bad that happened to them. I don't actually say it at school. Only at Amy's house because her home is a safe haven for evil and villany.

- "Curse this God forsaken space bar!" : I actually just made this one up because my space bar is making me angry.

- "Because it's good for the heart, good for the soul. . ." : This is just a random thing to say after telling a story. You should try it.

- "Rock" : You use this in place of things like cool or awesome. But it's not "rock on", just "rock".

- "Screw you Bob" : Because Emo Bobby is crazy.

- "Suckface" : It's an insult. I made it up myself. Use it on your friends and enemies.

- "Would Jesus read my [enter random inanimate object]?" : I suppose this isn't really a saying but you would write this on a random inanimate object and then if anyone reads it out loud, you hit them on the head. Do it.

- "Maldives" : This I cannot disclose with you.

Oh, and on a side note, I'm super into road rage because it is fun, saying "Whateva! I do what I want!" is lame when you don't even know what it's from, Sobe is tasty, being stranded on a desert island with onlt a crate of seeds would suck, and people leaving comments makes me happy.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:56 PM

 
I may not be the best driver (and I'll readily admit that), but, I happen to be a licensed driver. That's right, the unthinkable has happened, I have obtained my driver's license. I took my test on Tuesday the 11 at 1:20 pm and I passed with 16 points off. I know that 16 is a lot, but remember that I never really practiced that much so it was a pretty good score I'd say. I did make one stupid mistake that made me feel like a big moron and I suppose I will share it so as to remember my humility when dealing with motor vehicles. See, when I was pulling out of the parking stall to begin my test I went to brake so I could switch into drive and I accidently hit the gas, thus jolting the car backwards and making myself feel like a retard. Needless to say, I was quite nervous and thought he would for sure fail me. Oh well, looks like I made it. Suck on that Tim McCoy, where's your license?

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:06 PM

 
Sometimes it's good to be alone. I don't think people take enough time to be by themselves. It's always, "What am I going to do? I need to go do something." Even when they are alone, they're only thinking about how they can remedy their situation. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Just don't jump on me when I want to be alone.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:57 PM

 
"Chloroform Perfume" - From Autum to Ashes

This is the end result of so many meetings at late night dinners with no one eating. We sit in corners and sip burnt coffee, count the tiles up on the ceiling. Let's skip the pretense and cut straight to dying, just dont beg me to keep your eyes from crying. You said so much, without even parting your lips. It's past 3 am and I'm still far from sleep, and this is a habit that I can't break. You're my only company, I'm skipping stones down a suburban street. Street lights flicker like this match in my hand, it was begging to strike. I keep repeating but this payphone tele stopped receiving. Flat out of change now, and I'm sure you won't accept the charges. It's all the same because by morning I'll be halfway to colarado, or someplace like that. She keeps on asking "do you think it hurts much to die?" It's hurting so much more to stay alive now. She's gonna find out how much it hurts to die. She laced her perfume up with death. I feel it in my lungs. So I'll pull in the deepest breath, and drop my head.


- posted by Jonathan@ 8:53 PM

 
Two days till I get my license. Tremble in fear. . . No, only kidding, don't tremble. I'm actually an okay driver. If you want me to come visit you, just leave me a shout out.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:45 PM

 
Random Useless Information
- It says 10:25 pm on my computer clock, but I know better, it is actually 10:23 pm. You can't fool me.

- Cookies + chocolate milk = rock.

- I am currently undertaking the process of writing an epic song for my band. It is to be titled "Angela's Song" and I am currently taking applicants for any of the following positions: bass guitar, piano, female backing vocalist, and perhaps some strings players (i.e. cello, violin, and such).

- Arielle Petrie used to be really mean to me when we were younger and I've never forgiven her for that. I just called her a "haggard girl who has nothing better to do than judge others." How do you like that Arielle? Gloves are off, I just slandered you on the internet. Burn.

- Jon Hetzel and I have a habit of looking up biblical rebukes and reciting them to evil do-ers. Thus Arielle just recieved Acts 13:10-11. . .

"You son of the Devil, full of every sort of trickery and villainy, enemy of all that is good, will you never stop perverting the ways of the Lord? And now the Lord has laid his hand of punishment upon you, and you will be stricken. . ."

Haha, I have slandered you yet again! When will the torment stop? Perhaps never. . .

- The above things about me being mad at, and not liking Arielle Petrie are false. I actually like Arielle Petrie. She is my friend.

- Today I was upset because band practice fell through. So instead I played my acoustic for roughly four hours (non-consecutively).

- I get my license on Tuesday (three days), so watch out!

- My chocloate milk has run out. . . *tear*

- Now that the advent of my chocolate milk has passed, I have no reason to continue. How has your day been though? Why not leave me a message telling me about it? Don't you know I check this thing all the time?

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:55 PM

 
To the Summer's Fleeting Breeze

Everything seems to have fallen through
Are you missing me? Because I'm missing you
I close my eyes and you are all I see
Does the distance hurt? Because it's killing me

Late nights, lost sleep
No dreams, I cannot think
So I'm tossing and I'm turning
And my heart is burning
Because I miss you more and more everyday

When the wind blows it's your voice I hear
Carried on the breeze, drawing me near
And that is why I seek your song
Because it breaks my heart, knowing that you're gone

Last night, I fell asleep
Had a dream, about you and me
And I dreamt that you loved me back
You took my hand and everything was all right

"The lyrics, at best tend towards extreamly personal poetry, and at worst, they're like scribblings in a high school sophmore's journal."
You decide.

- posted by Jonathan@ 10:42 PM

 
What is cell groups?
Well boys and girls, cells are a big part of my life so I figure I'll explain a bit about what they are, seeing as I'm probably going to be talking about them a lot. People have a lot of misconceptions about the church. When you say ask someone, "What is church?" Most everyone will tell you, "It's where you go on Sundays." This is a very wrong way to look at the subject. The Church is not a building, but the body of Christ. The corperate church that I belong to is The Salvation Army, but I'm also involved (I'm a leader) in another church called Mission Ambrosia. It's really not your conventional church though, it's a cell church. Cell churches (comprised of many cell groups) are modeled after the early church as discribed in the book of Acts in the Bible. They meet in people's homes, are run by the members of the group (everyone is involved in the meetings not just a central figure like a pastor), and best of all; they are youth led. That's right, the members are teens and the leaders are teens. It's completely great. Cell groups are not a Bible study, but we study the Bible. We're not a prayer group, but we pray. We're not a support group, but we support each other. And the groups are always very intimate because the numbers stay small. Once a group has around 15 steadily attending members, it multiplies into two seperate groups so that others can join without the groups getting to big. After a multiplication the groups will get together every few months for joint activities and meetings to get back together with friends from other groups. And of course, fellowship outside of the meetings in strongly encouraged. That's what cells is all about after all. Relationships-with Christ in the midst of course. If this is the first you've ever heard of cells then you'd better watch out, because they're going to rock your world someday. I know I sound like a salesperson (and I'm not ashamed of it either; I'd plug cells anytime, anywhere), but when God is doing something as awesome this in the world I don't know how you can keep quiet about it. I hope I didn't confuse anyone into thinking this was a Janesville, WI thing. Cells are worldwide and growing larger everyday. It is the church. The church that meets in people's houses.

The Apostale Paul: on cell churches
"Please give my greetings to the church that meets in their home."
Romans 16:5

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:04 AM

 
"Assurance of Salvation/Discipleship: What to know, What to do." The title of my topic for leadership cell tonight. More on that later.

- posted by Jonathan@ 5:00 PM

 
The school day is insane. We had an hour delay today because of all the snow we were hit with last night, plus it was an advisory day schedule, so all the classes were shorter than a regular day. It didn't seem that way though. The day just seemed to drag on and on.

Hey, I just wanted to clear something up. Yesterday (or this morning, whatever) I said "Well you see, to me, you're nothing more than a computer screen. And to you, I'm nothing more than a bunch of words (also on a computer screen)." What I meant by that was that as I'm typing this I can't see you and as you're reading this you can't see me. I was trying to make a point about how it was easier to say stuff here, because there's no face to face confrontation. I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't care for any of you and that your opinion doesn't matter. I do and it does. Apologies for any misunderstandings.

Make sure you guys leave comments. I want to hear what you think.

- posted by Jonathan@ 11:35 PM

 
Hey, one more thing, if you look at the bottom of each post you will see a dark blue link that says Shout Out. If you click on it you can leave a comment about the post. I encourage everyone to do this so that I'll know if people are even reading this stuff.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:06 AM

 
I haven't been sleeping much lately. It's not that I can't sleep though. Well, sometimes it's that I can't sleep, but mostly just because I don't want to. I love the night so much. I don't want to waste this beautiful time in bed. For anyone who knows me, you probably know that I feel most comfortable when I am by myself. Unfourtunately, in my life there aren't many places that I can go to be by myself, especially in the winter time when I can't just get up and leave on a walk somewhere. There are always people in my house. At night though, it doesn't matter. Everyone is in bed, and it's just me and my thoughts. I like to spend time thinking. I have a lot to think about.

God is just so awesome in my life. I can be a really big failure, but he is always faithful. He seems to have given me a mind that is really a blessing to me. Do not read this and think that I am conceited. I'm really not. I just seem to understand things that other people don't. I want to grab them and yell, "Look at this how I'm looking at it!" But they never do. Maybe they just can't. Maybe I'm crazy and what I think doesn't make any sense. Maybe everyone has already realized that I am crazy and that's why they don't listen to me.

Okay, so for something that I've really been thinking hard about. I've been trying to exaimine myself lately and figure out why I am the way I am. If you don't already know, I really have a problem with people. It's not that I'm mean or rude or anything (at least not usually) I just don't want to have to deal with anyone. I always say that I hate people, of course this is not true, I just can't handel them. Like I've already stated, I really enjoy being alone. Not that I don't ever like to be part of a group, I really do, it's just I can't take it for to long. I'd rather be in a small group or just with one or two friends. It's just less to deal with that way. I'm just not good with relationships. I have a hard time opening up. There are few people that I actually share what I'm thinking and feeling with. You say, "Oh geez! What do you think you're doing right now?" Well you see, to me, you're nothing more than a computer screen. And to you, I'm nothing more than a bunch of words (also on a computer screen). When I see you (if I see you) what you've read here will mean nothing. If you ask me about it I will crack a joke and brush it off. That's just the way I am. I don't deal with things publicly. Many times I don't deal with things at all. This is one way I've decided to start dealing with things.

Dexterity Lacking
My fingertips are calloused from pressing on steel. They're stained silver black from the length of their exposure. So many times have these hands walked these routes. Familiar paths of familiar songs. Long have these hands been creased by wear. Long have they had to bear the weight of my own head, held softly in shame and sadness. The ink on their backs runs black. One line poems (quickly penned there) fade, like so many memories before them. Distorted by the elements, forgotten, along with the feelings that birthed them.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:01 AM

 
Late Nights With Bill
read.read.read.read.read.read.read.turn.page.
read.read.read.read.read.read.read.turn.page.
check.watch.
deep.sigh.
read.read.read.read.read.read.read.
rub.eyes.shake.head.
cassius.brutus.cassius.brutus.cassius.brutus.messala.brutus.messala.brutus.cassius.
check.watch.
sigh.again.read.more.
stand.up.stretch.legs.turn.page.read.more.
check.watch.
sigh.yawn.read.read.read.read.read.
finished.
victory.dance.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:18 AM

 
I've now been sitting here for about a half hour trying to think of what to say. I know what I want to say. I'm just not quite sure how to put it. I told you I wasn't a writer. See, I've been doing some thinking lately. I've really come to realize something this year. It's like, people get so hurt when things don't turn out the way they want it to. I'm talking mostly about relationships right now, but you can really apply this to anything. The problem is that people build everything up so much in their minds. They get this big idea of how everything is supposed to go, how everything is supposed to happen. Then, everything gets screwed up. Why? No reason, that's just the way things happen. But then life sucks because that one person didn't love you as much as you loved them. Because your love is so pure right? You know them so well. We all just need to learn to deal with stuff that goes wrong. I'm talking to myself here too. I mean, eveybody is going to let you down sooner or later. No one is perfect. The sooner we all learn this, the better off we'll all be. Just think about it. What are you really looking for?

"But you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all."
- Chris Carrabba

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:16 PM

 
It's so hard to concentrate. Everyday it's the same green chalkboards, the same beige desks, same faces, same ordeal. That is my life. It's so hard to concentrate. I get nervous thinking about this.

Okay, so the purpose of this thing is for me to write. Not saying that I'm a writer or anything, it just feels good. I don't know anything about writing and I'm not claiming to have any talent, I just want to write down what I'm feeling. It makes things easier that way. You should really try it. Okay, so I've always written songs and poems and stuff, but that is getting really old with me. I'm sick of writing the same lame song about the same lame subject a million times. It's all so trite, bland, stale, unoriginal. It's not doing anything for me. I feel that it's time I started writing about stuff that I just can't put into song form. Frustration is a very tough thing to translate into a time signature. Fears are hard to express in 3 1/2 minute songs. If I knew how, then I would, but I just don't. Maybe it means I'm not as talented as people thought, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm going to do this. It might be embarrassing, it might be offensive, it might be stupid, it might end up being a lot of things. But I'm going to do this. I hope whoever reads this enjoys it.

- posted by Jonathan@ 4:28 PM

 
Hi, I'm Jon. This is my blog. I will admit here and now that I am lame for doing this. I saw other people's blogs and thought they were cool. So, of course, I was like, "I want one." I am doing nothing original with this. It will most likely not be very interesting. This is just a disclaimer so that none of you reading this can send me hate mail telling me how stupid this site is. See? I already admitted it was stupid! I win! One to nothing!

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:20 AM

 
This is my first ever post on my first ever blog. I don't even know yet if anyone will ever read this. I haven't yet decided if I'm going to share this with anyone. But basicly, this post is just to see how the site looks.

- posted by Jonathan@ 2:10 PM