"This is my blood you see on your walls.
These are my lungs that scream for it all.
This is my heart that solemnly dies.
This is my love I gave,
Good-bye.

Outstretched hands searching for fingertips to save me again."

- Bill E. Beckett

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:54 PM

 
I know you're very tired of hearing it, but I just can't get it off my chest. I'm sorry. The pain is so intense. I want to run away and hide. I'm tired of being strong and being a man. I just want to be a little boy and not worry about anything again. I hate this world so much. I hate it. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live where there could ever be so much hate. I feel like I'm drowning in it. It's filling my lungs up. I'm choking on it. I'm choking on this world and it's hate. Dear Jesus, please. I don't want to die.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:22 PM

 
I feel like my heart is under siege. The attacks have just been so constant and relentless. Even after the sun goes down, my enemy continues his barrage. And the walls and seams are cracking under the assault. And I can feel the blood leaking out the gaps, much like the way water seeps into an injured submarine. And I fear the hole that I know is coming. It's only a matter of time. And with that hole will come a great release of pressure, as my heart just explodes in my chest. I hope I'm at school when it happens. I want to see everyone's faces. I want them to watch as I'm carried out on a stretcher. And they'll all know that there's no hope for me. Without a heartbeat--you're dead. A body without a pulse is just a corpse. And I want those kids who see it to wonder what could ever make a person's heart explode. And maybe they'll think about the condition of their own hearts. And they'll begin to notice the signs of wear. And they'll remember all the times that they assaulted someone else's heart. And they'll seek each other out and apologize. And they'll begin to love one another. And maybe that love will spread. Maybe people will hear on the news about the boy whose heart exploded. And maybe you'll hear about it too. Maybe you'll even come to my funeral. Just tell them that I want, "He was just a boy. What could ever make his heart explode?" written on my tombstone.

Maybe then you'll realize that you were being deceived all along. Maybe you really thought that you could hold all that anger and hatred in your heart without any side affects. And maybe you thought that you'd be okay swallowing all those numbing lies. I hope they made you feel better. That was the whole purpose, right? When did you start hating yourself? And when did you stop caring about those around you, enough to choke them by stuffing the same lies down their throats. I pray that you will let God wash the mud from your eyes. I'm sorry I'm giving up like this, but I just can't do this anymore. I guess I'm just as bad as you. Just remember on the day you hear about my death, that you can avoid this. Just look behind you and you'll find the God that you thought you were seeking all along.

- posted by Jonathan@ 5:19 PM

 
I am home again today. This morning I went to school feeling fine and all that, then like halfway through first hour I started to feel sick. So I like, went to the bathroom quick-like, because I could tell I was going to throw up. I had to go all the way down the hall though and totally lost it right at the door to the bathroom. So, I have accomplished one of my life's goals of vomiting on the floor at school. But you see, the funny thing is, the same thing happened last week. I went to school, feeling fine, then all of a sudden started to feel sick and vomited. It's kind of crazy. But it's cool not being in school, but then I get make up work which almost sucks more. So that is my cool vomit story for the day.

Also, this is dealing with school, I got kicked off the Odin staff. Of course, the Odin is our school newspaper. I'd told everyone how the teacher hates me, but I don't think anyone believed me until now. I'm really not upset about it or anything. I think it's kind of lame how I always got singled out, but it is sort of a relief to not be there anymore. For one thing, I don't have to write articles anymore. That kind of sucked. It was sort of fun, but it was still work and I don't like work. And the other thing is, with the exception of the other guys who were new to the staff with me this year, and our photo editor Tom Johnson, I didn't really like anyone on the staff. I complained about them a long time ago remember? Because they're always like, "Hey, we are a newspaper family." And first off that's lame, and second off, it wasn't even true. I would walk in the office to turn in my stories at like 5:00 at night and no one even acknowledges me. That's kind of lame. And in the halls and stuff like that. Whatever though. I suppose our Editor-in-Chief was pretty cool too. She was nice to everyone. So I take that back. I liked all the new guys, Tom, and Chelsey. And I didn't dislike anyone else, I just wasn't getting their whole "family" vibe or what not. Oh, and they're still printing the articles I wrote for this issue. Yeah.

Also, I auditioned for Cinderella yesterday. I don't know what I was thinking either.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:02 PM

 
So I feel the need to post. I think I rather like this silence by the by. That is to say, the lack of comments due to BlogOut being messed up. It's rather like I'm writing to myself. As if this were a secret blog. Those seem to be all the rage these days. Oh, that and "Hi, you can call me Lame" Xangas. Yep. I said it. Eat it.

So I'm just kind of wondering if it ever ends. I'm in quite a good mood now I suppose, so I'm not going to end that by dwelling on anything, but I just wonder what is the purpose of all of this. I don't like feeling uncomfortable. I don't like feeling like this at all. I hate how this just consumes me. I am really trying to just give this up to God and trust him with it, but no matter how hard I want to believe that He has a plan and a will for all of this, I just am having such a hard time trusting Him. It's taken me like 20 minutes to write this little bit because I am doing other stuff. So I am going to go, and do those things, and not think about this all for an hour at least. And well see where we're at when I open my Bible tonight. Pray that God will show me something. I really just want to hear his voice in all of this.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:50 PM

 
MaGee217: nutzu....that such a complete cop out of bazu
as warmth fades: mmmmmm, taste the irony
MaGee217: pshhh youre such a bazu sometimes, i cant even believe it

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:06 PM

 
I promise you that I am cool. . . No, really!

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:35 AM

 
Forget any complaining I've ever done. Man, to see God work in others. . . To see him working in someone so close to my heart. . . It's so beautiful! Continue to be with her Father, be everything she needs God. Show her how only you can satisfy.

- posted by Jonathan@ 2:00 PM

 
It's early, but I wanted to type this all while I still remembered it.

I know a month and a half is really not that long of a time period. It's really nothing. But when you go for a time like that without writing, it's really hard to get back into it all. At least for me. I don't want to neglect this site, because I feel it's really good for me. But neither do I want to just post for posting's sake. I mean, like I've talked about before, writing in general is complete arrogance. Webjournals are just that and so much more. I don't want this site to make me sound unstable, but I don't want to do stupid posts about my lame days and nights and whatevers. Because I am entirely lame. And I despise lame. And I don't want this site to be lame. So I am saying that I am going to try to post more often, without being lame.

And now that I am done with that, here is something else for you: I have this sickness. And it is far too often mistaken for talent. I really have no talent. And people don't seem to understand this. But even if I were to explain what it is I do that people mistake for talent, I don't think anyone would understand. I don't even understand it. I often wish it didn't happen though. I don't like being out in front. I would rather be in back. It is better there. I don't like to hurt people. It's all so unintentional. I really hate the human condition. We are all so needy and we too often look to others for affirmation. I mean, this is really all just me looking to you for some sort of affirmation. I want to hear everyone say, "No way Jon, don't be dumb. You are so talented." It's all about me, you see? And I don't know why I do it. And I hate it.

I really hate how superficial high school is. There is no substance to it. I also really hate how I can't just let myself succeed. I am so stupid. I make the worst decisions. I just want to be out. But I don't even know where I'm supposed to go after that. So what's the point? From what I've seen of the world, and the people in it, and the way they treat each other, I don't think I want to be a part of it. I'd almost just rather stay in high school forever. Maybe that's why I want to be a teacher. I guess I just feel safe being in school. It's superficial, yes, but when there is no depth, then there is no chance of drowning. I've been in the deep end before, and I've left my heart there too many times. And don't be so stupid as to think I am talking about a girl. Yes, it has happened before, but all of that seems so childish to me now. There is hurt so much deeper than any of that. I think about who I used to be, and sometimes I really hate that person. Then I realize how little I've changed. That is a tough realization. If you don't change, then what are you doing? A body without a pulse is just a corpse. That's a disheartening thought.

I don't see why anything ever turns out the way it does. Nothing makes sense to me. There's just so much in my head. I hate typing and I hate reading. I hate it that when I close my eyes I can't even be alone. Or maybe I am too alone. Or maybe I'm just trying way to hard. Those around me are so unaffected. It's very much pointless. I really fear the world outside of my bedroom. It's everyone's beating hearts, and the ones that aren't even besides. I've heard my friends' hearts stop beating. It's so hard to handle. So many times through my life. And these past years especially. Goodness, I can just hear it. It's so overpowering sometimes. It makes it all so hard to breathe. So hard to swallow. And the blood is just spilt. And I'm not even making sense. I don't know how to put it into words. That's just what's in my head. I can just see it all there. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can't even go on.

I will read this tomorrow and see if it even makes sense.

- posted by Jonathan@ 1:37 AM

 
I'm trying to put this into words. I think what I am trying to say, is that I used to think I knew what pain was. I thought I already knew what it was to be hurt. I thought that I knew what it was like to feel helpless and alone. But now that I am here, I feel like all that was nothing. Like, it never goes away anymore. It's not a temporary thing. And I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. And I feel lied to. If you suddenly find out that you don't even know a person, when for so long you thought that you knew them really well, does anything that you shared even amount to anything? Because right now, all of it seems wasted and worthless, like I was just talking to myself for three years. Emerson said, "A friend is someone with whom I may be sincere--with him I may think aloud." That's what a friend is to me. And I thought that was the kind of friend I was. But I'm starting to think otherwise. I feel like you must not have ever cared anyway. If you can just give up so easily, then what did any of it matter to you in the first place? What do I even matter?

I have a brother who is 24 years old, who might as well not even be my brother. That's how little I know him. I guess I would feel sad if he died, but you can't feel too sad about someone you don't even know. Like, I guess I can't even really judge how affected I would be, all I can say is that I don't even know the guy. I know his name, I know his face, I know some little things about him. I only know of his life small details that I've heard second hand. That's it. He's hardly a brother to me. Like, I'm sure he loves me or whatever, and I guess I love him, but it's kind of forced feeling. It's not the kind of love that is grown and nurtured and all that. And I guess the point of all that is, I'm starting to feel that way. Like I'm the brother that you never really knew, and that you love me in a very forced sort of way. And I guess this is a bad analogy though, because I love you so much more than that. I'd give you anything. I'd die for you. You don't even know. But you held your tongue, and you shut me out. So maybe I'm already dead to you? And it's far to superficial anyways. What happened to all of our depth? It's okay for people to change, but I suddenly find out that you changed a long time ago but never let anyone in on the secret. And now that it's out, I don't love you any less, but I feel hurt that I wasn't important enough to you to be a part of any of it.

I'm sorry I had to say this. I'm even more sorry that this isn't even about you. I guess it's really about me. So I'm sorry that you're never going to see this through my eyes. I'm sorry that you're never going to read this. I'm really sorry for whatever it is that I did to make me not good enough. I wish I could tell you even a part of what I am feeling. But I don't want to get angry, and I know if I talked to you I would get angry. And I can't even type this without crying. So I guess I will just leave it all here to die.

I think I am going to vomit.

- posted by Jonathan@ 4:05 PM

 
God is oh so good to me. I can't believe the way His Spirit can fill such a dead, dry, worthless, body. And He does such great things, even though I am the most unfaithful, hypocritical Christian probably since Judas. I wrote this song, and it's about feeling lost, and being tired of life. Especially the Christian life. I finished it last week.

Untitled

Jesus, I'm sorry
Please forgive my lack of faith
But sometimes I worry,
when I can't feel You

And I feel like nothing
I feel so empty
Spirit come fill me,
be my everything

And my body still aches
And I grow tired of this race
And I've no strength left to fake
And I fear I grow faint

**********

And that's where the song originally ended. I added more later, but it is not important to this story. So today Col. Something (I don't remember his name, I was running on about 7 hours of sleep total for the last three days) preached, and he used this scripture verse and it was just like God was speaking right to me.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes of Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Hebrews 12:1-3

I am unable to express my love for God. I know, that no matter what, He will still be with me. A lot of stuff is happening, but none of it matters to me. I have my calling from Jesus Christ, I have His word written upon my heart. That's all I need. I'm not giving up on anything. Till the day I die, I will do the Lord's work. Thank you so much Jesus. Please everyone pray for me and Janesville.

- posted by Jonathan@ 8:47 PM

 
This will be an entry not concerning you. Don't bother to continue reading.

So whatever, I suppose this comes from my hunger for something cinematic. Or something romantic. Something or anything just to warm my bones. Anything just to set fire to this heart of mine. Anything to bring oxygen to these lungs of mine. I know you feel the same way. Aren't we ever vain? But anyways--there's the boy. And there's the girl.

The boy is just a normal boy. There's nothing special about him. He walks and talks and is just as corrupted as everyone else. And, that's just who he is. But no matter what he says, he's tired of being alone. So don't believe him when he says otherwise.

Then of course, there's the girl: nothing perhaps that stands out at first glance, but it's here little quirks that will do it for you. She plauges your thoughts when you should be sleeping, or reading, or writing, or breathing, or any other number of tasks that you fail to do when she comes into your head. And you know that it can't be love, because you're not that pure, but you definately feel something. What can you do though? Nothing. And that's exactly what the boy does. Nothing.

And I don't know where it goes from here. That's all that came to me.

- posted by Jonathan@ 12:01 AM

 
I'm back. So what? It's a new year. I'm still here. And, that's just where we're at now.

- posted by Jonathan@ 9:01 PM